I don’t do Breakfast tv. Just wouldn’t ever think to turn on the tv in the morning. Mornings are for lying inert in bed trying to force myself to get to the shower. They’re for quiet. Peace. Gentle. Introspection. Thinking about how best not to get out of bed. They’re not for talking, not for being given lists of things that need doing over the next 7 months (Melissssssa!!!!), not for jabbering, chattering, whistling, singing, nuffink. As little as possible is what mornings are all about. And turning on the tv just doesn’t even cross my mind.

Unless there’s a tube strike. And then, (are you reading this: tv company people) I NEED INFORMATION. I want to know how or if tubes are running, how often, which lines, station closures, I need details. Everyone has been banging on for days about how awful this strike is, how massive, how devastating, oh the poor people of London, blah, blah, blah. Then the day comes and these same people don’t even consider that it may be of benefit to actually give these semi-stranded travellers the information we all need to best plan our contingency moves.

Breakfast tv is not about making plans. Its not about information. Not about anything useful. Its about the presenters. Chatting, giggling, flirting, anything but imparting any useful information. Its as rewarding as sex-above-the-waist-only. It is chewing gum, when you’re hungry. Its a photo of a glass of water to a man in the desert. Its like watching Spurs; nothing useful happens.

I’m really not interested in the ‘chemistry’ between Susanna Reid and some tosser with floppy hair. If I want chemistry I’ll go to the lab. Sex may sell, but there’s none on offer on Breakfast tv. At any price. Better off subscribing to the porn channel. Probably get more tube information there too.

I did learn that a teacher was killed by a student. In Leeds. Lucky it wasn’t Louisianna or it would have been 73 kids and teachers laid waste by machine guns. One teacher, one kid with a knife. We don’t do school killers properly here. Like we don’t do travel news.

And I had read that the aforementioned Susanna Reid was ‘poached’ from the BBC over to ITV because of her stunning personality and long legs, and because she came second in celebrity come dancing last year. That was her prize. A move to ITV to flirt with floppy-haired tosser boy, its what it says in her job description. I learned this because people were actually complaining that seating those wonderful legs behind a desk is a waste of her weekly salary; she should be on view. Well, just forget the ‘news’ bit then and you can employ some minimum wage leggy Lituanian ‘models’ to just stand there in their underwear for 3 hours. In fact, that’s a pretty good idea. I’ll suggest it to the producers.

Ok, off to (not) get the tube.

Happy tuesday

A xxxx