How awful it must be to feel that your life is so worthless, meaningless and disastrous that it just can’t go on. There’s only one way out. Kill yourself. Terrible. Tragic.

And never more so than when you do it by jumping in front of a train. Worse still if its a tube train. And totally unforgivably stupid, selfish and damnable-to-eternal-fucking-hell if its a Northern Line train in the morning rush hour.

For the second time this week someone jumped under a train at Kennington station yesterday morning. So I had plenty of time to consider the problem of suicide as I waited for half a fucking hour for a train so packed you couldn’t squeeze one single ear in there, then waited longer as there were, even by Transport for London’s normally fantasy assessment, ‘severe delays’.

Ahhhhh, you think, how heartless. Its such a shame that someone is driven to kill themselves. How tragic for the family.

But suicide is always selfish. If your problems are so bad, suicide simply dumps them onto that loving family. I’ve ‘ad enough. Let them sort out my mess. Yet obviously these people are not thinking in any rational way, it all just gets too much for them. So they create tragedy and aggro for the family and worse still, what does it do for the tube driver? Who’s been used as an unwilling ‘weapon’ in all this? He has to live with that image forever. Poor sod.

So if you feel at all suicidal, and you live somewhere between Morden and High Barnet on the north/south axis, just call me and I’ll send you a pill. Or a bottle of my new hedge spray which comes with more warnings than a trip to South Korea. JUST DON’T JUMP UNDER MY FUCKING TRAIN!!!!

Because before I learned of the disruptions, I was involved in serious contemplation of gender issues. Specifically, the ‘big questions’. What do you call a ‘man’ who really feels like a woman, trapped in a man’s body? And I don’t mean, ‘an Arsenal midfielder’, in this context. No. Here you’d call him Bruce Jenner. Trapped for 60 years in the ‘useless’ guise of a man. Fathering dozens of supermodels, winning gold medals, shagging various Kardashians (female ones, just to be clear). Poor man.

So what do you call someone who then sheds the lie and says emphatically: “I AM NOW A WOMEN, AS I’VE ALWAYS REALLY FELT AND NEEDED TO BE”. You call them Caitlin Jenner. He was honest, sorry, she was honest, and faced the ridicule and the world as the ‘woman he always felt he/she was’.

So what do you THEN call a man who’s become a woman who then decides he was a man all along and never got his head round the whole woman thing really? You call him an attention-seeking, media-whoring, imbecilic tosser. Or, Bruce Jenner. Again.

Happy Saturday, Bruce

A xxxx