Ok, so lockdown is not quite so much fun in the dull, cold and drizzle as it is in the brilliant sunshine, so we can go back to work now. With our masks. Which, I’ve now decided, are positively discriminatory!!! Yes, I’m taking masks to a tribunal. Because they discriminate against smokers. Not that I am one, but I’m a liberal and hence have empathy for any or all groups of deprived or suffering people. Masks also discriminate against spitters. Those revolting scumbags, usually from somewhere in Eastern Europe, or Eastern London, who like to gob on the floor as they stroll down Piccadilly with their best girl on their arm. You can’t spit whilst wearing a mask. Well you can but… eeeuuuuwww. Nose-pickers have a problem. And you can’t poke your tongue out at someone whilst wearing a mask either. An essential, non-violent form of abuse. Now taken from us by the mask-fascista.

We have a new mantra. When leaving the house, its no longer ‘keys, phone, wallet’, but now ‘keys, phone, wallet, mask’. Pocket hand sanitiser may follow in due course. Though appreciate that’s a lot of extra words to remember. At your age.

So I’m going into work today. After tennis, obviously. Because its the last day I can drive in without paying congestion charge. Which is being implemented on weekends too, praise be to Sadiq Kahn. Shitty little muthafucka mayoral dwarf. And I have so much to take in. PPE. Shitloads of PPE. Posters, boxes, gloves, masks, sanitisers, all manner of heavy, clumsy shit that I don’t want to carry on the tube. And I need to clean. Yes, me, myself and I. The clean team. Because anyone who might normally do such things is still furloughed. But you can’t furlough dust. The plague of the City. 3 months of undisturbed dust has occurred and needs removal before life can pretend to resume.

And, because the government are, basically, winging it every step of the way, we have no real clear guidance on what we can do and when. So we’re winging it too. As is everybody. And the winging starts in earnest on Monday, so we need to be clean. And fully PPE-compliant. Even though I have a life-long intolerance to ‘compliance’ in any form. Masks included.

Happy slowly unlocking day

A xxxx