We’re here in India. Where its ‘movember’ every month. For all the genders. Where they have more Indian restaurants than, (I’m guessing), virtually anywhere else in the world!!! And, more specifically, cos it is a fucking massive place, is India, we’re in Kochi. Which used to be called Cochin. Until the Mumbaiians took over Bombay, Leningrad became St Petersburg and Ceylon changed forever to Sri Lanka. And in Kochi they have their very own martial arts, unique to the state of Kerala. It’s called kalaripayattu. Which translates from the ancient Tamil as ‘why are you fucking pushing me??’, and started way back in the 12th century, specifically to address the then nascent hobby of ‘barging’, which has blossomed, bloomed, exploded and mushroom-clouded since then into something of a national obsession. And it’s simply the best fun you, and your moustaches, can have. You go to, say, a lift in a hotel. Lobby floor, where everybody gets out the elevator. But here’s the great bit; you don’t wait for the 22 people crammed into the lift to get off, where is the fun in that??? No, as the doors slide open, you BARGE your way IN to the lift. And if you can make it all the way in before any single person has jumped out, then you inherit all their moustaches to add to your own. However, if one of the the people on the lift is a local and an exponent of kalaripayattu, he may well kill you with one of these vicous looking murderous weapons. So always best to check who’s dangerous before your barging begins.

The barging continues, as it does in all majors Indian cities, on all the roads. You just barge people from inside your car instead of outside. As chaos plays out on every road and in every direction on every road. Never limit or restrict yourself just because of a few road traffic signs. Really. A big ONE WAY!!!! arrow is most certainly something with sufficient ambiguity here in India, to be worthy of a ‘debate’. And to test the water, send a few cows, goats or water buffalo the wrong way along a carriageway, just to judge reactions, check the barging, be aware of any swords knocking around.

Tomorrow we leave Kochi and head to a place called Munnar, in the tea growing region. So, to celebrate our time in Kochi, which involved dinner at the hotel buffet last night which, regardless of the hotel, should never be repeated, we ate tonight at… McDonalds!!! I know I know but… its safe, its next to the hotel, and damn the expense! It cost, for both of us, including ice creams; 6 quid. Honest. However, here’s the menu:

Hamburger (made from chicken cos ‘we’ don’t eat beef here)
Cheeseburger (same, chicken only due to Hindu constraints)
Chicken burger (no changes made)
Bacon Cheese Burger (no bacon, upsets the Muslims, no beef, upsets the Hindus, so ‘chicken’ as above).

Odd and bizarre that McDonalds maybe the lowest of the low in terms of nutrition, desirability, healthiness, BUT is definitely a brand you can trust, anywhere, not to give you food poisoning.

Happy Boxing Day

A xxxx