Boris Johnson doesn’t so much ‘shoot from the hip’ even though his hips are pretty humungous, as ‘speaks out his arse’ which is of a similar degree of humungousness. So if you think that endless cycling and jogging will make you fit and slim and gorgeous; just look to Boris for that model. Like a model of the Taj Mahal topped with straw.

Let’s build a bridge to France, the foreign minister said. Its easy. And logical. And it says lots (to President Macron, who just happened to be standing there when he said it) about togetherness, about unity, cohesion and brotherhood, that we should, logically, become ‘joined’ permanently. Awwwww, nice.

But totally fucking stupid. 120 billion pounds worth of stupid. Because that’s a conservative estimate for building a 21 mile span bridge between our fine nations. They should’a built one in 1724 when it would have cost 73 guineas, 15 shillings and seven-p’nce. Ok would’a been made of wood but think of how much easier it would have been to fight about 300 years of wars against our ‘best friends’ if the troops could have just walked across to fight. Which is pretty much all we did for those 300 years; fight the French.

But now they’re our BFFs and we want a (fucking) bridge. Well, Boris wants a bridge.

And in return for our 120 bil, the price of wine would drop by 42p a bottle and a Camembert would be at least 12p cheaper. Plus, the added bonus of having the French side not in Calais itself but in Sangatte next door. Making it sooooo much easier for all the economic migrants/jihadis to just stroll over at their leisure. Even worse, it would get the French here more quickly and easily too. Holy shitttt!! Didn’t think of that, did’ja Boris??

France really doesn’t need to be any closer. Its a beautiful country filled with beautiful women, as long as you don’t talk to them. I can get to Paris in 3 hours on Eurostar. I can get to Calais in about the same time by car through the tunnel. I can fly there in less than an hour or get a leisurely ferry if I really want to. I don’t need a fucking bridge. Whereas, speaking for the nation (as I’m authorised to do) 120 billion pounds goes quite a long way. Much further than just 21 sodding miles.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx