I’ve just come back from my time in Croatia, and now I’ve got to pack once again to fly out to Venice. What? You didn’t get the invite to Jeff’n’Lauren’s wedding? Oh, you poor loser. Jeff invited me because of my constant and total refusal to sign up to ‘Prime’. And NOT signing up to Prime when you’re on the site and checking out is a massive feat of care, concentration, consideration, de-coding intentionally ambiguous options and over-riding Amazon’s presumption that everyone MUST have Prime. Sometimes, I’ll be honest, I fail and the endless loopholes forcing everyone to Prime defeat me. So I have to cancel it.

Not saying that Amazon Prime isn’t brilliant, but Mel has it; she’s the family shopper. By some distance. But things I’ve found (normally power tools: I have so much testosterone) which don’t incur shipping charge, I use my account. For the fun of it. And because I like feeling like a repressed, second-class citizen.

So I’ll be flying out to the City of Canals on one of the 95 private jets that Jeff has chartered, or probably just bought (with Prime, then they’re delivered FREE!!!), for the nuptials. I’m presuming that Greta Thunberg isn’t going. If she is, she’ll be swimming. Anyway, it’s going to be a close, intimate, low-key affair.

St Mark’s Square is now known as St Jeff’s Square ($4million, free delivery on Prime), the canals are closed for 3 days in case a splash should touch Lauren requiring instant ‘make-up, hair and fillers’. Tourists are banned, Venetians not allowed, all the islands are to be completely emptied other than the ‘wedding party’.

It’s going to be fantastic as me and Bill Gates, Kim Kardashian, Barak Obama and Stormzy party away on Jeff’s money. He’s not going by plane, he’s making the sacrifice of taking the boat there. His boat. The biggest super yacht in the world. Possibly the second biggest. Elon Musk’s might be bigger. Bill gates gave his yacht to make boat people a bit safer in their crossing.

The world second richest man is now challenging to become the world’s MOST obnoxious person. At least then he’d beat Elon at something. Though to be honest, Jeff’s still a long way behind. Though with this wedding celebration, he’s closing the gap.

Congratulations to Jeff and the second Mrs Bezos (at current counting. Numbers may change).

Happy Tuesday,

A xxxx