If a day is a long time in politics; how long is a few measly hours in the housing market.

Last night’s Evening Standard bore the headline that ‘house prices are plummeting’ due to the new stamp duty. Yet this morning’s Times, just a few hours later, informs us that ‘house prices are rising’ due to money-laundering foreign bastards with offshore companies.

And in case you’re thinking ‘oh, they must mean different areas’, they don’t. Both about London. Houses everywhere else are virtually worthless so no-one cares about them sufficiently to write newspaper articles about them, let alone front page headlines.

And its so interesting that I’m going to talk about something else.

I want to talk about John Bercow, the Speaker of the House of Commons. And specifically, about spending £172 of MY money on a car which took him 0.7 miles from Parliament to Carlton House Terrace. Before you start shouting ‘NOB!’ and ‘TOSSER!!!’ and ‘WORTHLESS ABUSING PIECE OF SHIT DWARF!!!!!’ you have to consider the circumstances. As all good and just people should do before condemning someone. However much of a plonker may appear to be on first glance. And second glance, third, forth and seventh.

Mr Bercow is a very important man. He said so. Ok, his wife is a gobby slut, but no-one’s perfect. And it would be wrong to expect or demand perfection. And he needed to get from A to B. Which are, as mentioned, 0.7 miles apart. As measured by every newspaper and radio station and news department in the Kingdom. What they don’t mention is that walking is a much shorter distance. Avoiding the one way bits its much closer to half a mile. 500 metres. Usain Bolt could run that in less than a minute. Chris Froome could cycle it in 20 seconds. Or less if he does use drugs. So Bercow, with his rather short legs, could have done it in 5 minutes. Maybe 10. Which is about the same time as a car takes.

He could have taken a taxi. For about a fiver. Its always about a fiver. He could have called an Uber. A bus wouldn’t have taken much longer and costs £1.20 (just guessing, no idea what they cost. On my Oyster they’re free. Ish). An ambulance would have been free but he’d have had to tell a lot of lies to get one and get off a the other end. According to a lady on the radio, you can hire a chauffeur-driven Bentley for an hour for 120 quid.

A fucking helicopter would cost £150. A horse-drawn carriage with outriders and footman; £75 + vat. They could have shot the fucker from a canon such a short distance. I’d have paid for that one.

But no. John Bercow took a car which cost him 172 of his English pounds. Sorry, of OUR English pounds and charged it to his expenses, in the interest of ‘transparency’.

Next time he’ll learn to be a little more opaque.

Though he is definitely my tosser of the week.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx