So now will you listen? Now do you get that I’m so brilliantly… brilliant!, that my instincts and what have previously been known as ‘mishigarsim’ (insane ideas), are in fact true, correct, wonderful and SCIENTIFICALLY VALIDATED!!! All those people who’ve been campaigning for years to have me sectioned under the mental health act can eat humble pie. Though I’ve maintained for decades that eating pie of any kind is healthy. Pie is made from flour, which comes from some plant or other, thus is at least one of your five a day.

But this headline in today’s paper is my defining glory as an arbiter of ‘wot you should and shouldn’t eat and drink for yer good elf’.

Mel and I will come home from a long walk across the Heath on a sunny Saturday afternoon, hot and sweaty. She’ll head to the fridge and fill a glass with ice cold water. I put the kettle on. “Don’t you want some water???”, she asks, incredulously. “No. I want tea!!” But it’s a hot day!!! Yep, but I want tea. 1.6 billion Indians can’t all be wrong.

In fact I drink tea all day. Water is just the most boring drink. It brings, literally, nothing to the table. It’s fine for swimming in. Holding the goldfish. Cleaning the car with. Probably a few other things. But drinking? Heaven forfend. Because tea is a wonderful drink. And now, we learn, it filters ‘all the metals’ out of our water. You know, those pesky lumps of steel that get stuck in your teeth, all that zinc floating around, they adhere to tea leaves and thus leave the water in your tea pure and clean and, well, non-metallic.

So there you have it. In the Times, no less. So it must be true. The only questions which can’t be answered with a cup of tea can be answered with whisky.

There’s also the latest move by our latest government. You know, the one filled with dickheads, and dickhead-esses, apologies for the initial exclusion, and led by a dullard. That government.

We’re taking all the money we currently send overseas for ‘good causes’ and spending it on tanks and bombs instead. So all those poor people around the world will have to eat bullets. And our military will come back to its former glory. So we can attack Russia. Or America. Same difference, currently. But what will happen to all that overseas aid? How will the Gazan children get properly radicalised if UNWRA don’t have the cash to make suicide vests? How will all those charity sector CEOs maintain their mid-to-high six-figure salaries if the money’s cut for starving people in Africa? I actually find myself in the rather unusual and somewhat uncomfortable position of agreeing with Kier Starmer.

Time to put the kettle on and drink some tea rather than iron and lead!

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx