The alarm went off this morning at 7.20, as it does every saturday. When I go downstairs and make tea, bring it to my dear wife, because I’m the best husband in the entire history of husbands, along with the newspaper. Ok, also because when she goes swimming four mornings a week at 6.45, she brings me tea and my newspaper. Which she irons before presenting it to me. Or not. Anyway, that’s a normal Saturday and I drink my tea whilst getting into character for tai chi. Relaxed and reading the sports section, sipping tea, knocking over the furniture doing a few side kicks. Not too relaxing for Mel, I grant you.

Today wasn’t normal. The alarm went off. Alarms are possibly the most evil things in the world. Including those formerly known as Prince. So I rolled over and…

“ITS 7.50!!!!”, Mel cried out, shaking me out of my slumber. That’s the time I normally leave. No time for tea. No time for anything. Brush teeth, dress, go. And I did. Drove fast. Ok, I always drive fast, don’t know any other way. Arrived with 3 minutes to spare. Oh, that’s ok then.

No. it isn’t ok. Because I felt… discombobulated. I felt… famished (that’s not as in ‘hungry’, but the Yiddish word (‘fer-mished”)meaning… discombobulated, but more so. It means being discombobulated in ways non-Yiddish speakers could never understand), I felt… strange. A bit disconnected from the world. And I needed to connect. You can’t throw someone on the floor when you’re not connected to them in some way.

So the question is: was this due to lack of tea? Or just the rushing out of bed when I was patently, ‘not ready’ to get up. (Spoiler: I’m never ready to get out of bed). Was it the lack of my customary caffeine, tannins and all the other shit that a ‘cuppa’ delivers, which left me in a universe which looked like the usual one but with me not quite part of it? Or was it that I’d been dragged instantly out of sleep without time to ‘emerge’ in a more natural, timely way?

I actually think it’s a combination of the two. Plus the psychological addiction I have to our national drink. I love tea. I drink it all day long. Only stopping long enough to go and get my morning coffee from ‘my boys’ (and gels) in the sandwich bar. I actually go there for the banter and the opportunity to insult and abuse both Spaniards and Portuguese people before the working day has begun. And the coffee is just my excuse for being there.

I shall therefore attribute my deep feelings of morning malaise to the lack of tea. Because, basically, I have a drink problem.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx