Have you ever bought anything through Amazon?

Of course you have. Everyone has. Not just ‘has’, in the past but still does and will do again. Because they’re brilliant. Fast, great value and amazingly efficient. But best of all, if you have a problem, they are simply brilliant at sorting it out. Brilliant.

What makes ‘brilliant’ on a ‘customer journey’ that has become a little bumpy?

You phone them up, get straight through very quickly to someone who speaks English (or Irish, which is almost as good) and sorts out the difficulty with wonderful ease and simplicity. If there’s any ‘jumping through hoops’ required, Amazon do it for you. All you end up doing is taking the ‘thing’ round to the local sweet shop and dumping it there. 2 days later you have a replacement, or a credit, or a repaired thing or whatever it was you wanted. And every time (damaged kindles, returned articles, problematic stuff) its handled so amazingly that I just think: why aren’t all companies like that?

They’ve now developed new technology which actually works out what you MIGHT be buying next and shipping it to a warehouse near you, just in case you do decide to ‘buy it now’. How fucking brilliant is that? Its magic, that’s what it is. Telepathy. Though actually they’re just analysing the clicks you make and the searches you perform and anticipating to reduce delivery time.

Contrast that with my recent experience with IBM.

I ordered a part for my computer, new motherboard, the old one died in a power surge. No problem, Sir, that’ll be a hundred and fifty quid and will take three days. I was initially impressed. Though 3 weeks later when it hadn’t arrived my impressionism was dented. And phone calls were met with part derision, part accusatory disbelief, part Germanic (that’s where the parts are kept, apparently) arrogance and rudeness.

Eventually someone actually worked out that the ‘couriers done it’. They had the part, tried and failed to deliver and didn’t think it appropriate to, like, kind’a, sort of, tell anyone about it. Ok, said I, have them call me and arrange another delivery. Seemed a reasonable request. Yet no call was forthcoming. So I got pissed off and on Christmas morning sent them an email telling them to keep the part and give me a refund.

By the second week in Jan I’d heard nothing. So I called and emailed and called and screamed and emailed some more. And still they were ‘awaiting the credit’, ‘all in hand’. Yeah right. It takes 1.3 seconds to take my payment and six weeks to credit it? I found an email address for the CEO and sent him a note telling him I was going to make a County Court Claim if I didn’t have my money back in 2 days. The next day I received a note saying ‘the credit note was being actioned’. Ahhh, what a relief. But its just that, a note authorising a credit. How long til they give me the money back? Oh, that takes up to a week.

You have to think, at that point: WHYYYYYYYYYYY????????? Why does anything electronic process take a week? How can that be possible?

I don’t usually use these pages to vent on atrocious service or aggro in the marketplace. But the world should know what its like dealing with IBM and be warned: DON’T DO IT!!! You’ll end up beating the wife and kids in frustration. Mine will probably be out of hospital before my Amex card has received the funds.

Yours tearing out his hair,

A xxxx