Easyjet, the, errrr, well, someone’s favourite airline, probably, are going to use a drone to check their planes for fuselage damage. Brilliant thing. It hovers over, under and round the entire aircraft using cameras and sensors to check for cracks and bad things. They can detect holes of 1mm in the metal. And all in just a few hours as opposed to the 2 days it takes humans to check the plane over. Fantastic.

What a shame they can’t use robots and drones to replace all the Easyjet staff, streamline their awful operation, reduce the horrendous queues at check-in, maybe even make the coffee on the flights (that’ll be £8.25, Sir) which is awful. I’m no flight snob but I hate Easyjet and will only go to Gatwick if kidnapped and dumped there in the back of a van.

But technology is a wonderful thing. Even if I consistently fail to use most of it. They’re working on sensors that can work out when you’re stressed. As the anger builds, tiny sensors in your keyboard, mouse, phone or even steering wheel, detect it and… and… and…

Well what? What can it do? Administer an instant shot of valium? Punch you pre-emptively on the nose?? Activate your phone to shout out ‘Naah, ‘Arrry, don’ ‘it ‘im!!!’? Play the sound of waves lapping on a beach somewhere near Rochdale??

They haven’t thought that far. They’re just, for the time being, working out more ways of monitoring us. All of us. They already know where we are (gps in phones), where we go (Oyster card logs on the tube), what we buy (credit cards) and what we’re wearing every day (cc tv cameras everywhere), with whom we have sex (sex tapes on youtube), so now they will know what mood we’re in too. And send down one of Easyjet’s drones, which could be circling round above the streets, to administer some ‘executive relief’. Euuuuw. Although…

They want to make a car that changes colour with the mood. So as you get angry-to-the-point-of-road-rage (and what is the point of road rage?) your car will turn, what, red? What if its already red? No-one will know. If you’re really happy and peaceful (or stoned, same difference), it’ll go a really nice shade of aqua-green. If you’re pre-menstrual, it should go black. Very black. And fill with bars of chocolate (something Apple and Cadburys need to get together on). On the way to Spurs the car would be fabulously yellow and sunny, and on the way home it would be grey, dull and shattered. When you pull into the driveway after work your wife (or husband; sexist bastard!) will know your mood and be able to act accordingly. Either open the front door with a smile, or run out of the back door screaming.

Great idea.

Big Brother is not just watching you but sensing how you feel too. That should make you feel so secure your keyboard turns a lovely shade of puce.

Happy thursday

A xxxx