In Las Vegas this week is the CES, the biggest (obviously; its Las Vegas) techno-gadgetry exhibition in the world. All kinds of useless things of a hi-tech nature are featured there. And of course, lots of robots and robot-things. I differentiate because a robot is only a robot if it is humanish in design. Like C3PO. If its a flat box or barrel or something other than, its a robotic thing. Like R2D2. Easy. A sexbot is really, alarmingly, scarily humanoid. Not sure if they’re featured in Vegas but really that would be the best place to feature them. Sleazy, sordid and expensive. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, as the saying goes. Which is true other than for STDs, excessive winnings (much rarer) and brides.

And last night, for the first time everrrrrr in Europe, a football match used VAR technology. Video Assistant Referee. Playbacks of contentious things. Goals. Offsides. Dives. Done in London, in last night’s case for the Brighton match, 75 miles away from the action, but that’s irrelevant. Not like they need to send a messenger. Or a pigeon. Even a robot-pigeon. Everyone’s wired up and bluetooth-ed together and, hopefully, on the same page. The ref says into his mike ‘that goal ok?’ and 75 miles away they’re already examining the output of 15 cameras checking for signs of naughtyness and 4 seconds later they say ‘yeah, its fine’ and the goal stands. Easy peasy.

But its not. Roy Hodgson, the Palace manager, continued to argue with the ref even after the VAR had spoken. I mean, that should carry a prison sentence. Arsene Wenger will choose to believe the VAR only if it finds in Arsenal’s favour. If it doesn’t he’ll discount the evidence and continue to abuse the refs. I’m not sure if managers or captains can ‘demand’ the ref turn to the VAR but if they can that would be the end of football, as we know it.

So what we need is robo-refs. They look like referees, they wear black shorts an’ everything, but they’re robots. Fitted with… 16 cameras, or in fact, analysing the input from 25 cameras around the ground simultaneously, whilst running and blowing a whistle. Robots can do that. Robots can do everything. And if players try to abuse a robo-ref (and they will because they’re all fucking stupid) he’ll turn his phasers to stun and floor the bastard. They can do that too. No-one’s going to argue an offside decision with a linesman who uses laser beams and times in micro-seconds. Other than perhaps Wayne Rooney (see ‘stupid’ above). But linesmen are now called ‘assistant referees’ and if they’re using video technology they’ll have to be Video Assistant Referees and that will cause confusion. But we’ll get over it.

You just need to get a battery sufficient to run 12 kilometres over 90 minutes whilst handling all that information. Be a bit embarrassing to have to stop a game to charge the ref. Where would you plug him in?

Its the way forward.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx