Legend has it that Groucho Marx once sought membership to a posh, schprauncy Beverley Hills golf club. They refused him (in nineteen twenty-whatever) because they didn’t allow jews into the club. “But I don’t even play golf” pleaded Groucho, “I just want to use the swimming pool”. Sorry, Sir, that’s our policy. “Look, I’m only half-jewish; can I just go in up to my waist?”

Wonderful story, no idea whether its true or not, don’t care either. It makes a point. That for some reason the last bastion of Political Incorrectness (long may it live) is to be found in Golf Clubs. Ok, bit ambiguous; not the clubs you use to hit the balls with, or in Tiger Woods case, the ones your wife uses to beat the shit out of your car, but the Golf Clubs, as in the institutions in which golf is played.

They’re not workplaces, they’re not community centres, they’re private members’ clubs. And as such are not subject to the vast rules and laws, British and European, about equality. They have no equals. You’re either a stuffy, crusty old git with a tweed jacket and horrible stripy tie, or you go hit golf balls elsewhere. With the commoners.

To be a member at any ‘respectable’ Golf Club you have to be voted in. And, basically, if you don’t look, act, think and smell like those doing the voting, you ain’t gonna get in. So Groucho wouldn’t get in, because he didn’t pray to a different God to the one the Beverley Hills members didn’t pray to. Golfers don’t go to church, or synagogue, because they’re on the course at such times a praying generally occurs. I wonder how many black, Asian or any ethnic minority group members there might be in all the golf clubs in Britain? What about trans-genders? Where would Bruce/Caitlin Jenner play??

And what about women? Surely the wives and lovers of the crusty old farts have some time off when they’ve done all the ironing and cooked dinner? Can they play 9 holes??

Of course they can. But not as members. Only as guests. If they imposed such rules at my pole-dancing club it would be a disaster.

Muirfield Golf Club in Edinburgh is one of the best courses in the world. And, of course, doesn’t allow women members. Thus it has now lost its chance to host the Open tournament. A massive money-spinner for club and for the local environment, they reckon about £70million. But the club refused to change its ‘no women members’ policy. One member summed up the situation, and certainly the attitude of the Club when he said “if you’re a woman and you want to play here you’d better marry a member”. Good advice. Because a wife, as ‘goods and chattels’ of her man and keeper, bit like a dog, can go hit a few balls with him. Unlike the dog, who’d run away with the ball between its teeth.

The real problem is that women simply talk too much. About nothing. All those feelings, emotions, dilemmas, all those frills and colours and tampons, its just too much. I won’t stand for it. Not in my club.

Women wear dresses. But in Scotland, so do men.

Wear your ‘BAN THE BITCH!!!!’ t-shirt today, in solidarity with Muirfield and the Honourable Company of Edinburgh Golfers. And other anachronistic fascists.

Happy Friday

A xxxx