The initial hypothesis of this study in child psychology was that an infant could be quite happily separated from its mother (and more importantly, from her breasts) for a short period of time as long as sufficient care, protection, love and alternative foodage were to be made sufficiently available.

The purpose of the study was to ascertain whether a baby would starve itself rather than accept bottle feeding? I refer to previous studies that found this would likely be the case: Conway et al, 2017, Bell et al 2017, Conway et al 2017, Bell et al, 2017 (and countless fucking others!!!!)

The baby was removed from its parents by the research team, Professors Conway and Conway (Phd, Phd, Op,Tom1,sT1c, Hons) and placed in an alternative home along with various items for providing comfort. Vis a vis: play mat, bouncer, a truck load of brightly coloured objects that rattled, squeaked and sang when manipulated.

The subject was placed on the mat and observed. Observing was in fact quite magical as she squirmed, kicked, smiled, gurgled, giggled and performed many other acts that don’t have adequate descriptions in the ‘handbook of scientific terminology, and other bollocks’ book. After an hour, on her front, on her back, singing songs (the scientists, babies don’t do that), and pulling funny faces, the clinical team were suffering from deeply strained facial muscles so the subject was moved to what is known as a ‘baby bouncer’. Where she happily… did what little babies do. Which is nothing productive, nothing creative but is for some unscientific reason, immensely satisfying and rewarding for all present.

It was then noted by the team that baby was possibly getting a bit hungry. A little fretful, rooting behaviour, so we deduced that ‘feeding’ might be the appropriate course and duly applied the food source (bottle of mummy’s milk) to the subject.

To say ‘this didn’t work’ is an understatement akin to ‘an atomic bomb will remove stubborn stains’. In fact the similarities between a nuclear reaction and what took place in normally placid, happy little baby were strong. She went ballistic, as the euphemism goes. In psycho-babble terms, she went fucking ape-shit. No amount of calming, coercing or £50 note bribes would induce her to accept the food.

We quietened her, bathed her, changed her and tried once more. An attempt so successful that the mother was phoned to COME AND SORT OUT THIS HYSTERICAL CHILD!!!! Who at the time was blue in the face and hyperventilating.

The experiment was deemed a great success. Well, greatly enjoyable. In parts. Other parts, nyeh.

Conclusion.
Babies are illogical, stupid and stubborn. Which is why we love them so much.

Happy Monday

A xxxx