Men who are hungry prefer larger women than men who have just eaten.

Why? Do they want to eat them? See them as a fuller plate? Probably not but its a ‘fact’. Not necessarily a fact as we know it, but it has statistical significance. All testing needs that. And what that means is that the results show a probability greater than could have been achieved by random chance alone. Not that every hungry man craves Hattie Jacques, but that enough do so that the test is valid.

So this latest ‘test’ is part of a whole load across the world working out who we find attractive and if we want to eat them. And about the links between love and food (well, I really love food so I should be just frikkin perfect for this experiment) both of which are controlled by the hormone oxytocin in our bodies.

So you go to the queue at KFC (hungry people) and ask them if they fancy fat birds and more than half said ‘fucking right, I do’. Then you ask the men leaving the store looking satisfied and a bit bloated, with ketchup on their chins and grease all over everywhere else and ask them and they ay ‘fuck, no! I likes ’em skinny, innit’. And that’s brilliant, blah, blah, blah, p=0.005, publish them results.

In fact it needs to be a bit more ‘criteria based’, a bit more robust, reliable, repeatable, standardised, normalised and quantifiable. So what they actually did was get two groups of men, half of them hadn’t eaten for 6 hours (we’ll call those, to avoid ambiguity, ‘the hungry group’) and the other half had just pigged out on whatever and were full. Then all the men were shown the same pictures of women in red bikinis and asked to rate them for attractiveness. And we know the scores.

But how big is ‘larger’? How full is ‘a fuller figure’? Where is that line between waif and wonderful, between ‘voluptuous’ and ‘tank’? There ya go again, gotta be done proper. Find me 66 women in red bikinis and fetch me my tape measure and hand-warmers.

This was my true vocation. To be a tester of the truly worthless, whilst spending inordinate amounts of time in a room with a dozen red bikinis. ‘How was your day today, honey?’

In an associated test, they found that when people are fearful, their ratings for the attractiveness of their companion go up ‘significantly’. Because when you’re scared your heart rate goes up, your pupils dilate and you sweat, the same physiological changes that happen when you’re aroused. Which is why when someone is about to smash a bottle on your head, its sometimes difficult to know whether to knock him out or kiss him. Same autonomic system. Kind of. But apparently that is why horror movie first dates are sooooo popular. Because you’re halfway ‘there’ before the popcorn’s over. Particularly when dating serial killing zombie vampires.

So I hope that has now cleared up the entire testing scandal once and for all. Clear as something that hasn’t been tested at least 95% of the time.

Happy Friday

A xxxx