Everyone will always remember exactly where they were when Pope Francis died.

I was in the kitchen, making my porridge, and thinking of a blog post inspired by that very same Pope, on last night’s news, as he choked out a few words, all he could manage, from his wheelchair, over Vatican square, yesterday. Saw it on the news. And I thought: what fucking use is a Pope who can no longer pope? I’m not trying to be cruel or meritocratic, but if you can’t bless the half million misguided standing in front of you, it’s time to move on. And as there is literally nowhere to move on to, other than heaven, if you’re a Pope. I’m glad he’s taken that affirmative action and career move.

I can’t speak of his tenure as the pontiff as to whether he was stellar in the role or whether he was the sort of ‘Southampton’ of papals. I’m not a Catholic so really had very few dealings with the man. All I know is, the religion hasn’t significantly changed under his stewardship. The choir boys are still abused, they still have completely unworkable vows of celibacy, they still encourage guilt, superstition and flagellation (real or metaphorical) and it’s still a load of bollocks. So, no different from any religion then.

We go through the same ‘the Pope is dead, long live the Pope’ stuff every few years. We’ll wait a few weeks then start a ‘conclave’, like the Robert Harris book/film, then a few puffs of black and white smoke later, they’ll announce the next Holy Leader. And you can bet your cassock that it’ll be an octogenarian or older.

They should appoint someone younger. Someone with new ideas. Fresher. Different. They should make Andrew Tate the new Pope. For him it would be a punishment as he’d have to be celibate, and convert to Catholicism which is probably a prerequisite for the job. Other than that, his values of misogyny, abuse and S&M are all pretty aligned with any old, patriarchal religion. Apparently he’s good at lighting candles and looks great (according to him) in white.

But let’s not forget when, exactly, Pope Francis died. On… EASTER MONDAY!!! Resurrection day!!! That is just soooooo spooky.

Happy… errrr… happy dead Pope day

A xxxx