Oh Sepp, Sepp, Sepp. Thrice Sepp. Once, Twice, three times a tosser as everyone’s favourite Swiss person (name one other, I defy you, just one, not counting tennis players) starts what could prove to be the most protracted and in-depth bean-spilling exercise in recent history. Even the great Mexican bean spillage of 1952 will pale into insignificance against the truths and lies spouted from the mouth of FIFA’s main dude. Ex-main-dude.

Blatter had decided that Russia would be awarded the 2018 World Cup. It was pre-arranged. Decided before any ‘vote’. And its very undemocratic of FIFA to make such decisions before all bribes, back-handers, bungs and corruption generally has had the chance to make their case. The deal was already done.

Whereas the 2022 Cup was already earmarked for the USA. And at the last moment French Presidential Dwarf, Nicolas Sarkozy arrived at FIFA with a Qatari Sheikh and… well, who knows what happened, but we can guess (Qatar… money… cash… hmmm…), the outcome of which was that instead of going to America; temperate, safe, humane, it was suddenly, out of the fucking blue, awarded to Qatar; unplayably hot, stupidly remote, tragically inhuman, a nation as famous for football as it is for equality. But football is ‘above politics’. Or ‘below politics’. Whatever, it ain’t about politics. Qatar wins, yippee-yiy-yay.

The shit hit the fan, the bribery exposed, Blatter called into question. Which he denied for ages. Though, at 107 years of age, it was probably time for him to retire. Even taken by the throat to Dignitas. Because ‘death & taxes’ are the specialities of the Swiss. Creation and avoidance. Not saying in which order.

Sepp’s successor was to be Michel Platini. French fat-boy, one-time striker extraordinaire, now gone to seed at UEFA. The natural progression. He’s good, he’s French, he’s ‘clean’.

Alas, they found that FIFA had made a mysterious payment to Michel, ma belle, of £1.35 million in 2011. “Oh!” they said, “that 1.35 mil”, errrrr… “that was for ‘consultation'”. Oh, that’s ok then. Helluva consultation.

Never mind, we’ll get Sheikh Salman of Bahrain as the new president. He’ll get to the bottom of it. He has form. Murder, torture, he’s just perfect for the job.

Who said a safe pair of hands can’t have a little blood on them?

Happy thursday

A xxxx