The last time Roy Keane had his hands round someone’s throat he finished the job, strangled the bastard, then killed the wife, three kids and Alfie, the Labradoodle. Then he ate them. Raw. Yet this was a genuine ’embrace’ with Ireland manager Martin O’Neill, having just witnessed their team’s quite amazing victory over Italy last night, which saw Ireland through to the knockout stages for the first time. Roy had tears in his eyes, the emotion profound. Ahhhhh, even fucking psychopaths can get all emotional; niiiiice.

I have voted. Done it. No point messing around. And I’ve decided we need to stay in. For the future. For the past. I’m so overloaded with Europe-bollocks right now that even in the car on the way to the polling station I was still a bit undecided. And I do appreciate that if we leave, then Boris will become President (he’ll disband the monarchy), Farage will be head of his secret police, and they’ll find me and either deport me to Syria or put me in a gulag in Shrewsbury.
I’M JUST GLAD ITS OVER. CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE NOW, PER-LEASE.

Just before bed last night, I was channel-flicking, as ya do, and watched my second instalment (10 minutes; could take no more) of Top Gear. Have you seen what they’ve done to that once great programme. They should just call it ‘high five’ and be done. Never seen so much hand slapping and man-hugging in one place. Other than the football. But scoring a goal in a international football game in a massive tournament is, I feel, slightly more worthy of celebration than simply walking into a room full of people. I may be wrong on that.

The show is horrible. Its taken all the best bits of the show and turned them into pantomime. Its lowered the whole thing from subtle and wry to custard pies and ‘OH YES HE DID!!!!!’ Its bollocks. Total bollocks. Chris Evans makes up for any lack of talent by shouting louder. So he shouts a lot. Some German tart learned her sense of humour by reading Mein Kampf at school. Really hilarious. And Matt LeBlanc is for some reason more acceptable in such a horrible and contrived environment.

Nice to know what my license fee buys.

Happy Polling Day

A xxxx