Shakespeare pondered such concepts, in that very… Shakespearian way he had: if music be the food of love, then play on. So opens Twelfth Night. But what about food? Food is the food of love too. With or without the music. Ok, eating your sushi to some oriental plinking in the background, or shovelling your meat madras to the accompaniment of a sitar is very culturally consistent, but to be honest, I’d rather they played Nirvana. Maybe Simon & Garfunkel (not for curry; need something more powerful for that) or Taylor Swift, the world’s most successful… everything. Because you can enhance the atmosphere with music, but it won’t improve the food. That needs to be done by the chef, not the pianist.

And hence today’s sandwich. Or: The Masterpiece, as I humbly consider it. But this isn’t just a ‘sandwich’, it is a complete meal. It is the ultimate stimulation to your taste-buds. Well, my tastebuds, you ain’t getting any. But it just looked so wonderful I wanted to share. The photo. Obviously.

The roll is a challah roll. Nothing is finer in this world. And it is a massive one, making it finer still. On one half I spread hummus, on the other chilli mayo. Then there’s potato salad (why NOT, ffs, I had it there and I made it yesterday so its the best), cheese, coleslaw, sliced gerkin, chopped jalapeno, a sliced boiled egg and… tomato. For ‘elf. Tomato is a ‘superfood’ and thus negates all the carbs, fat, salt, more carbs, more fat, bit’a sugar and makes it almost ‘zero calorie’, in the same way companies become ‘carbon neutral’ whilst spewing out enough clouds of toxic shit to melt Antarctica.

And I only mention this wonder (and I just ate it: O…M…Geeee…), because apparently in the Uk, we have 3,000 people a day entering hospital wards due to obesity. Three thousand. I wasn’t aware that you could cure obesity. And had to wonder what they do with them all. Put them on diet? Are the beds big enough? But I suppose its actually 3,000 a day with the effects of obesity; diabetes, heart conditions, failing hips and knees, fat bellies.

So you have to wonder if this is the best use of NHS money? And, more importantly, NHS beds? We could send the obese over to Rwanda, obviously not on boats because of the danger of sinking, but fly them over because its a safe haven with not much food. Orrrrrr… we could educate people on quantity and, in particular, quality of food. A take-away pizza is way more expensive than a plate of home made spag bol with vegetables. Any food that is sold by the ‘bucket’ is never going to be good for you. Simple rules. Less time on computer, more chasing real women round the streets. And eat green stuff. Not because you want to, obviously, who does?, but because you should. Good for ya.

Eat well, but in a considered way.

A xxxx