Look, I know its not ‘up there’ with the North Korean nuclear threat, with increasing levels of knife crime, with Arsenal losing at Swansea, with child abuse, but it made the front page of the Times today, so it must be a. really important, and b. totally true beyond question.

The uglier you are the more ‘left’ you’re likely to vote.

Ugly people vote Labour. Gorgeous people are fascists. Its a ‘fact’. They done tests, din’they? And tests are ALWAYS totally validated and beyond question. Except by really annoying people like me who have an unnatural skepticism about statistics. Unless those numbers, when crunched, agree with my world view. Then I love them, obviously.

You first have to ask: why would you perform a massive study (2,000 people involved in one of them, 5,000 in the other) to find a link between ‘beauty’ and ‘political leaning’? Will it lead to legislation? Like denying the seriously ugly the right to vote? Something I’ve advocated for years now. Or will it lead to an increased understanding either of human nature or improvements to world politics? Doubtful. Its just a ‘thing’. An excuse to get a research grant out of someone.

But that’s what they found. The uglier you are, the more likely are you to vote further left on the political spectrum. Good looking people ‘tend to be’ (statistical speak) more right wing. So if you’re really an eye-sore but vote Republican (it was American testing, obvs.) GET WITH THE PLOT!!! YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO DISGRACEFUL LOOKING PEOPLE!!!!

All any ‘study’ has to show with its analysis is ‘a probability greater than chance’. In this case (they didn’t show the numbers), that wouldn’t account for much. And what is ‘beauty’? I’ll tell you, its in the myopic, distorted, astigmatic, corrupted and sick, ‘eye of the beholder’. Very difficult to get an objective ‘score’ on beauty. You see ‘gorgeous’, I see ‘dog’. Unless you’re unambiguously Halle Berry.

The explanation, as if one is warranted, is really offensive. That ‘beautiful people’ are given more attention, more love, spoiled rotten and therefore lack empathy as they get older, used to getting exactly what they want. Therefore they don’t consider others in society as much as, say, Jeremy Corbyn or anyone else in the ‘grotesquely vile’ group.

Speaking as a totally beautiful person (both my mum and Mel gave me 11/20 on a random, blind test in 1993) I find this offensive. I have loads of empathy. And if poor, ugly people don’t agree they can JUST FUCK OFF and climb back into their holes!!

The next test they’re going to do compares penis length to views on global warming. Or perhaps global length to penis warming, I can’t remember the precise details, but that should be very… errr… useful.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx