“… and yes, I am do be finding Donald’s words to being unacceptable and inappropriate, but I is being glad to forgiving him and hoping you am too. And if not speaking with sincerity I am on very next plane back to Slovenia for penniless eating of cabbage for rest of life poverty, no Prada, no money, with all other ex-wives…”

Well, Melania’s onside then. Good for her. Stand by you-our ma-aa-aaan.

England played Malta last night. We played our normal array of eye-wateringly expensive over-paid mega-stars who won’t get out of bed for less than 100 grand a week, and they played their rag-tag bunch of amateurs who do get out of bed quite early to deliver the post. Or go to teach, I think there’s a doctor in there, pharmacist maybe. AND WE WON!!!!!!

However, due to the size of Malta and the lack of a proper pool of players, their unfortunately average defeat in international matches is about 7-0. Therefore, to beat them 2-0, as we did, in my mind means we actually lost 5-0. In ‘real terms’.

However, last night I had a life-changing experience. I drove a Jaguar F-type. Belonging the brother-in-law it was consequently the ‘total nutty-bollocks’ version with as many high-spec, go-faster additions as it could come with. 4-wheel drive, 5 litres of supercharged V8 engine.

But is that enough?

I wasn’t sure. Until it started. And best of all, way beyond all the high techiness and computerisation, is the noise. Which is awesome. And the performance, which should actually be illegal. And pretty much is if you drive it as God intended it to be driven. Its frighteningly fast, seriously loud and handles like a dream. Ok, we love that then; great car. But now we’ll hit the ‘sport’ button.

FUCK.

ME.

The button should actually be labelled ‘totally mental’ but there isn’t room for all those letters. The suspension stiffens (apparently; I don’t know nor care), the steering tightens, other magical things happen, including the exhaust valves doing something profound. Like turning the volume up from ’10’ to ’11’. And the performance becomes ballistic. You no longer ‘drive’ the thing, you just ‘point and fire!!’ And hear that beast roar. Everyone hears it roar. Passengers, neighbours, most people in 7 adjacent boroughs.

This car is the antidote to the Prius. It is the anti-Prius. It is truly wonderful and everyone should drive one. Though the noise might become an issue.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx