People assume, when they see me, that I’m this, pretty perfect physical specimen, neat, compact, tidy kind’a guy, fully in control of his limbs and extremities. Unfortunately this is not strictly the case as I’ve always had the pretty unfailing ability, as my dear mother used to say, to ‘fall over a blade of grass’. I try to control it. I medicate. I attend Clumsy Bastards Anonymous meetings, I wear padded suits. Yet just when you think all is safe, bits of the world jump up and bash me.

I was playing tennis with Spurs Paul on Saturday. Ok, it had been raining a bit (remember rain? Phah, thing of the past), and I went for a shot that was, if I’m honest, a bit out of reach. So I did what any dedicated tennis god (or total fucking schmuck) and I dived for it. I got the ball, then realised I was in mid-air and under the influence of gravity. Grazed my right hand and right knee. Bled a lot. Stuck on a few plasters and played on.

Sunday morning was bone dry. It was a fabulous, clear, sunny morning. When I was attacked by a hedge. There I was, on my bike, just cycling down the alleyway on the way to more tennis. Both sides of the alley have big hedges. And this time of year they all become triffids and explode in size. So as I weaved my way down between the bushes, my handlebar caught on a branch. Leaving me in mid air and under the influence of gravity. Left elbow, knee, hand, hip and shoulder. Lots more blood. Considered getting a transfusion, just in case, but instead washed the blood off, stuck on a few plasters they gave me at my cafe, and went to play. The blood stains clashed with the coffee stains which adorn all my (174) white t-shirts, but not much I can do about that.

My brief in such such situations is: just make it look not too bad for when Mel sees it.

I mean: fuck me!!!! I’m a wreck. Beaten to shit by gravity and gravel. So when I said to Mel that because the weather’s so beautiful, I’m going to take my electric bike into the City today, she banned it. Stole the battery so it won’t go. Hid the keys. Let the tyres down. Because she feels that klutziness comes in cycles. Or perhaps it’s karma for all the bad shit I do.

I’m going to be very careful from now on. Meanwhile, I’ve bought shares in Elastoplast. I would say ‘hedging’ but after Sunday…

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx