In the latest in my long-running series entitled “5-minutes-randomly-selected-from-a-film-I-really-love-which-happens-to-come-on-after-the-news”, I chanced upon The Matrix last night. Not at the beginning, but quite near the end. Morpheus is held by the 3 ‘suits’ and Neo and Trinity want to save him. Trinity ‘phones a friend’ to get her a helicopter and he conjures one up on his (very dated) computer and it arrives in ‘Amazon-time’, even sooner, to enable the heroes to shoot the living fuck out of a 90-story building to release their spiritual leader from his shackles. Which they accomplish, amazingly killing no-one. Although merely ‘dying’ in The Matrix is way more complicated that ‘normal’, I appreciate that.

As a person opposed to guns, disgusted by America’s love and devotion to weapons of death in the hands of the mentally unstable, as happened on Monday at yet another school, and a lifelong pacifist; I love this machine gun. I want one. It’s the perfect solution to drivers with their main beams on. Cars hogging the middle of the road. People on their phones when the traffic lights turn green so they don’t ‘go’. I need to check with Greta Thunberg if it contravenes our ULEZ status were we to mount such a thing on the roof of the new, electric car. “SAVE THE PLANET: KILL ALL THE FUCKWITS IN IT!!!” will be stylishly inscribed on the doors.

And then I thought, as Neo grappled with a helicopter, holding it with his bare arms straining against the rope to prevent Trinity held within it from crashing, that “I AM THE ONE!!!” It was me all along. Keanu is just a wannabe. I AM THE ONE!!!

I’d hold a helicopter if it had Carrie-Anne Moss inside it, wearing those leather pants. I do tai chi. That’s almost ‘bullet time’. I just need the bullets to slow down to my level, how hard can that be? And most importantly, my mind is at most times in an alternative dimension of so-called ‘reality’. Mel always says so. And she could be the Yoda to my Neo, if that’s not crossing some line between fictions.

So that’s it. I AM THE ONE!!! Fuck off Keanu.

Happy Wednesday. May the whatever be with you.

A xxxx