The problem with babies is that they are the absolute, total and constant definition of distraction. Even when they’re sleeping you have to keep checking that… they’re still ok, still breathing, haven’t grown wings, taken off, opened the window and gone to check out the neighbour’s tree. You just have to. So when they’re awake; the just DEMAND your attention. Merely by just… just being there. And ‘my baby’ is staying with us. So the demands are incessant. And here’s the problem. Lila was fitted with a hyperactive ‘heart-melting-gland’. It affects everyone she comes into contact with. I’d try medication but it needs to be tested on those lucky rats first. So this morning when I heard her, I was given permission by her mummy to ‘get her out of bed’. And there she was. A smiling little bundle of gorgeousness, squeaking and wriggling, wrapped in her sleep-blanket-thing. Which she would be because babies these days are zipped into them. To prevent escape. Not that our house is like Colditz but just because it says in the baby books that is what you do.

I could go on all day about Lila. How she rolls over. Spits out bits of banana. Smiles. Wees as soon as her nappy is off. But you’d probably get bored. Me? Getting pissed on by your granddaughter is an honour.

On the news last night was a report on Hurricane Irma. The one sent to punish Trump. After devastating half the Caribbean first. And its terrible. And there on the streets in Tampa was the BBC journalist. Name’s irrelevant. Because he’ll probably be dead before you read his words: “I’M HERE ON THE DESERTED STREETS WHERE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TOLD TO STAY INDOORS BECAUSE OF FLYING DEBRIS!!! LIKE TREES AND CARS AND BUILDINGS!!!” (you have to shout to be heard over the storm, even with a mike right on your lips). “YES ITS DANGEROUS AS FUCK OUT HERE BUT I’M HAPPY TO BE HERE TO JUSTIFY YOUR 170 QUID LICENSE FEE!!!”

The trees were so bent over that the top boughs touched the ground. Cadillacs were flying past upside-down. But the BBC dude had neither the fear nor the common sense to GET THE FUCK OUT’A THERE!!!! He’s the first of the new wave of ‘suicide reporters’. The ones that go the extra mile. That know no boundaries. Next week there’s the one in the tsunami, another one (obviously) is going to question Putin about the drug problem in Russian sports and the last reporter is spending a day with Chelsea fans whilst wearing a Spurs scarf.

Happy Monday

A xxxx