Mel and I went to Sri Lanka 39 years ago on what was to be the first of many ‘exotic’ holidays. For Mel, it was fantastic because she came home with jewels and had found the man of her (and everyone else’s) dreams. And for me, I got to ride on an elephant; you just can’t beat that. But whilst there we went to a spice garden. It was magical. You pulled a lump of bark from the outside of a tree, break it and it is cinnamon. I mean, really? We had loads of trees in Ilford but I’d never done that before. Pull this ‘thing’, all withered and dark brown and woody, from a branch and it is vanilla!!! And that may have become the word to describe the almost indescribably bland and mediocre, but vanilla was the cause and main reason for the entire ‘spice route’ which opened up, quite literally, the entire world, and is also the most expensive commodity on the planet, by weight, depending on the price of gold or 35-year-old single malt whisky. And here’s some berry things, pulled off a bush. Crush one up, and ahhhhhh-CHOOOOO!!!, peppercorns.

Life was simple back in the last century. Spices were spices and leaves were leaves. Ok, there were tea leaves, bay-leaves, other interesting tasting leaves, but mainly the leaves of the other trees were a waste product and the seed pods of the the desirable leaf trees were just so much ‘jungle’.

In the intervening years someone came up with the ‘science’ of Ayurveda, which was a brilliant, incisive and commercially revolutionary innovation. Because, it is, essentially, the science of taking useless vegetable waste products like leaves, twigs, seeds, petals, bark, and any other green shit you can find, and bestowing upon the most useless of leafage, life saving properties. Possibly greater longevity. Better health. Alertness whilst sleeping much better. Sleepiness whilst being more alert. An end to bad breath. A longer penis (just rub this cream, Sir…), stronger hips, better rotation in your shoulders, enhanced neck movement, mainly on Tuesdays.

A cream, balm, capsule or tablet for everything and anything, all backed up by the ‘science’ of Ayurveda, which proves statistically, empirically and laughably, that ‘any practice involving the ingestion, application or insertion of any old green shit on your body can only be good. Can’t it?’

Ok, it is an ancient pseudo-medical system over here and, as always, if you believe, and it helps, then it works. But you go to see cardamum pods growing in the wild and they’re trying to sell you a million tubes and bottles of snake oil.

Happy cynical Sunday, possibly Monday, cos we’re on our way home. And it ain’t easy.

A xxxx