I don’t really do religion. It’s just not my thing. I do Kultcheral religious stuff, because its part of our Kultcha, innit, and allows me to eat chopped liver and challah, the foods of the gods. But actual prayin’?? Naaaah. Praying in English, most of which I understand, always seems like total nonsense. Praying in Hebrew, which I really don’t understand, is therefore meaningless nonsense that the masses recite, en masse and although some of the tunes are quite moving, most of the voices singing them aren’t, so I just generally don’t. Which is no problem really as I don’t spend much time in a prayerful environment.

Except yesterday. Yom Kippur. The holiest of holy days for Jewish people. Because then I HAVE to go to the synagogue, as a kind of cultural imperative. And I know its a bit of a cop out, enjoyed by most ‘secular Jews’ who don’t do much in the way of prayer at all. So we do Yom Kippur and the preceding week we ‘do’ the New Year (Hebrew new year, lunar calendar, don’t ask) and we’re kind’a ‘done for the year’. Boxes ticked; I’m a ‘good Jew’.

And even when I go to synagogue, I generally find any reason not to join the praying. Not because I think ‘it’s all bollocks’ because that would be too subjective an analysis to impose onto people for whom it, presumably, has a much more profound meaning.

So I take as many turns on the security rota as I can take, strolling through the park in my stab-vest, hi-viz and radio in my ear is a great way to while away 27 prayers, even when its pitch black and there’s a 30mph wind blowing. And instead of going to the main prayer services, I go to the explanatory service. Where prayer is minimalised, its mainly taken in English and its fascinating on a philosophical/theological level which is even… INTERESTING!!!

So I grew up, as do all Jews, almost fearing Yom Kippur, because it is ‘translated’ as The Day of Atonement!!! Kind of Judgment Day!!!! Where we ‘atone’ for our ‘sins’ in the preceding year. And you have to starve yourself for 25 hours to ‘purify’ yourself, or ‘punish’ yourself, in the process. Safe to say, no-one corrects this at all when you’re young and impressionable, and the rabbis nurture that fear because they’ll do anything to get people into prayer.

And because we’re English speaking our entire vocabulary is based on Christian values. And therefore the nuance and the actual meanings of the ancient Hebrew gets ‘Anglicised’ for convenience.

So we are not ‘atoning’. What we’re doing is adding up our errors (the Hebrew word means ‘to miss a target’ but is translated as ‘sin’ because Christians love sins and punishments and flagellation and redemption) so that next year we can do better. Not financially (though it wouldn’t hurt) but as a person. And we don’t ‘starve’ as punishment. We simply pray so hard (ok, but stay with me on this) that we simply choose to ignore our bodily demands as simply unimportant on the spiritual plane we have ascended to. We are almost ‘angels’ (another impoverished translation error which does emphatically NOT mean little cherubs with fucking wings and tutus, but a higher mental state). And angels don’t eat, don’t shit… but that is, in fact allowed, don’t drink, don’t fornicate, don’t nuffink. And that is an aspiration for that day, not a punishment.

And I love that theory. The practice I can take or leave, but I love the idea that if people believe in a God then its a forgiving type of God, who understands that we’re not perfect and just says: ‘ok, so you fucked things up, try harder next time, phah!’ God becomes your best mate rather than a solemn bearded geezer with a whip and a dagger.

The things you learn if you stop talking to your mates for 10 minutes and concentrate.

Happy Next Day

A xxxx