These are the 10 important things to remember about Chelsea:

1. I fucking hate them
2. I hate them more
3. They’re shit
4. I hate them
5. They’re violent and nasty
6. They can’t even get sent off properly
7. I hate them
8. Their manager needs to make the transition from ‘bemused’ to ‘sacked’.
9. Their entire ownership structure is horrible
10. I hate them.

So it was thus wearing my totally impartial and non-biased hat when I refused to sit down to watch Spurs play Chelsea yesterday lunchtime. I went out. Find those games unbearably difficult to watch. Yet I learned, that it was a game of two halves. The first half, in which no-one scored. And the second half, in which we scored. Chelsea didn’t but since being bought by the richest American since the last one and spending in one January transfer window an amount that would sustain the other 3 divisions of our league for two decades, they don’t win and they don’t score goals. Why should they? They don’t get paid any more to do so, so why would they? Cheek!

There was one exceedingly con-tra-ver-shiawl moment, I’ll relate it from my position as one of the league’s most accomplished referees. Even though I’m not. Yet still feel more accomplished than the geezer in black yesterday.

A fracas erupted after a poor challenge. If it was any other team(s) that would have been fine, but this was Spurs and Chelsea, so inevitably it turned into a ‘melee’, what you call a fight in which no-one’s allowed to actually punch anyone because you get sent off. But little Moroccan shit Ziyech hadn’t read that, or couldn’t find the translation into French or Arabic so punched sweetly innocent Emerson Royal. Who twenty seconds earlier barged into the Chelsea man from behind. But that is PERFECTLY LEGAL. And results in no sending off. Ziyech retaliated by punching Royal in the face. Which is definitely a sending off, but the ref, Stuart Attwell, didn’t see it. So as it settled down, Attwell received a call from the 4th official informing what Ziyech had done. At which point the ref. swiftly waved a red card in the slimy little Moroccan’s face. Justice done.

But wait, then the ref received another call, possibly from his mum, maybe from Todd Boehly, Chelsea’s new owner, telling him to look for himself at the incident. Which he did. We all did (even I was watching by then). And yes, the little bastard punched my dear wing-back in the face. But dear Steward decided it was ‘a shoulder push which just happened to end up in the guy’s face’ and so ‘removed’ his red card decision. Cancelled it. As if it meant nothing. Like it was an NHS hip replacement operation. What a tosser.

But we won. 2-nil. Which, however difficult it was to watch, is all that really matters.

Yours impartially

A xxxx