What is time? Yeah, fucked if I know either, but its such a good question. I like David Bowie’s definition best of all: “Time. Inflexes like a whore, falls wanking to the floor…” Not because it explains anything whatsoever, but just because its quite gratuitously rude and vulgar, and I like that.

Another definition might be that time is always wrong. Which is why I’m always late. Not my fault, guv, my watch did it. But that’s just ‘the measurement of time’, which may be accepted by all of humanity, NOW, but that’s all to do with the passing of the Earth round the sun and dividing it into bite-sized bits because having a zoom meeting when Ecuador passes through 179 degrees of the passage round the sun is a bit vague for some people. Particularly pedantic people, seemingly obsessed with knowing precisely when ‘now’ is as described by Big Ben. Even though, by the time you’ve looked, that ‘now’ has changed.

You can measure time. But you can’t make it, change it, delay it or increase it in any way. Unless, according to Einstein, you can move as fast as the speed of light. And even a Ferrari can’t do that so we’ll leave that as ‘hypothetical’ for the time being (pun intended, or not).

But here’s how to make lots of time just disappear. You get Lila and Joey to stay at your house so their terrible, negligent, selfish, indulgent, entitled so-called ‘parents’!!!!! can go and lie in the sun for 3 or 4 days whilst drinking alcohol!!! and eating things. Because then, you’ll be woken long before Dawn has even gone for her middle-of-the-night piss by little people jumping on your head and demanding the unthinkable. Like movement or action. But heh! That gives you loads more of those man-made hours to enjoy, to utilise, to put to good use!!! I’m up really, really, really early, just think what I can achieve extra!!!

But then in steps ‘time’ and makes it all disappear in a whirl of breakfastS (one is never enough), colouring books, ipads and putting shoes on the wrong feet.

So there’s your answer. Time is all bollocks, but it CAN be extended by grandchildren, but not in any useful manner.

Happy exhausted Wednesday

A xxxx