It seems that the world of football punditry is being taken over. By Scousers.

Jamie Carragher hung up his boots last year, put on a suit and open-necked shirt (protocols for the trade) and sat in the Sky studio making noises that no-one could undersand. Well, Stevie Gerrard could probably understand him, maybe Wayne Rooney, but very few who grew up south of the Wirral stood any kind of chance. Yet they refuse to employ sub-titles.

Yesterday they had Jamie along with his fellow ex-Liverpool teammate Didi Hamaan. A German. Ahhhhh, I thought, at least Germans speak proper English. And he does. Almost. Because he speaks it with a very strong Liverpudlio-Krautish accent. And its the Scouse that stands out in his speech patterns. His years at the club had resulted in the horrible Liverpudlian stifling his natural Germanic so he sounded like Paul McCartney doing a Hitler impersonation. Badly.

Another sorry hybrid is Jan Molby. A Dane. A very Great Dane now he’s stopped his training. And Danes speak really good English. Unless they happened to have spent 12 years at Anfield, as Jan did, rendering his speech a lot more Cilla Black than it is Michael Laudrup.

Why is ‘Scouse’ so toxic? Why does it saturate all other types of accent?
I think the answer is that in Liverpool the natives aren’t aware they actually speak English at all and unless you strangle your vowels, drop most of your consonants and pull strange mouth and facial expressions as you talk, they don’t understand you.

But I don’t wish to detract from my new book. Coming to a bookshop near you very soon.

After reading (well, looking at the pictures of her in a bathing suit that was an extreme testament to her waxer) extracts from Cameron Diaz new book: How To Have a Fabulous Body Like Mine, You (previously) Fat Fucker, in 96 easy steps, all of them Really Painful; I’m bringing out my own. Well everyone else is doing it. The obsession with waifness, with fitness, with body beautiful, with size zero continues in every paper every day, normally opposite articles on how to get your children to stop obsessing about their body image, how to prevent anorexia, how models shouldn’t be stick thin, blah, blah fucking blah.

So here’s an extract from my book (£7.99 in all really bad bookstores… if you can still find a bookstore, otherwise £1.17 on Amazon).

Day 1.
Eat food. Lots of it. Fry-ups, Mars bars and chips. Ok, have an apple if you must. But don’t skimp on the carbs and get plenty of added sugar or you’ll be asleep by 2pm.

Day 2.
Repeat as above.
Exercise routine: walk to the pub. Stay for at least 3 hours. Walk back. Staggering counts double. Like your vision.

Continue for 6 weeks and just hope that a fabulous genetic make-up and a bizarrely hyperactive metabolism prevents weight gain.

Its THAT simple.

Bit like me.

Happy monday

A xxxx