I want to apply for a transfer. I’ve written to Daniel Levy to request being put on the transfer market, so I can go and be a fan at another club. I have a lot going for me as a football fan. I’m experienced, I’m loyal (well, til yesterday), I love the game, I’m completely stupid (otherwise I’d have put in a request decades ago) and I know lots of great football songs. Which can quite easily be shifted from one team to the next. Other than ‘sit down you paedophile’ which doesn’t really adapt in any meaningful way. Though it was a nice tune which Mr Wenger always seemed to enjoy. And instead of ‘Yid Armeee, Yid Armeee, etc, etc, etc…’ I could just change it to ‘… Armeee,… Armeee…’ So you can see, I’m quite flexible in my skill set.

So where should I go? Obviously, Arsenal is completely out of the question. They’re an easy journey, play super football, have a wonderful stadium and enjoy quite a measure of success. Who wants that? Also, I’m fundamentally too decent a person to qualify for Arsenal fandom. And really, I think I need to ‘get back to basics’. So I reckon I’m actually looking for a really horrible, train-strikey, 5 hour trip each way, to a northern shit-hole, in order to enter a Dickensian, piss-smelling, red-brick stadium where everybody moans all the time. But to become a Manchester United fan would make me the ultimate cliché as three quarters of their ‘fans’ live in London. The rest all live within the M25 except for 9 people, all named Ramsbottom.

If I was glory seeking I’d endure the same journey but to go to the ‘other’ Manchester team. Who are now known as ‘Manchester’s first team’, with those in red colours now relegated to the mid-table wannabe status their erstwhile ‘poor relations’ used to enjoy until they suddenly became the exceptionally rich relations. Though there is appeal in becoming a City fan. Firstly, but not necessarily the most important, from my current perspective, is that you win trophies faster and more frequently than they can cast them. Secondly, you get to buy up every single best player in the world and keep them forever. And thirdly, you get to entirely restructure the whole world of profit and loss accounting, just to try and satisfy a bunch of European pedantics who obsess about such things.

Liverpool don’t accept Londoners, which is good, because we don’t accept them. Newcastle is a great possibility except for the language barrier and Chelsea are obviously not prepared to take me until my martial arts skills have improved greatly.

So that leaves the south coast. Because I like Brighton and Bournemouth. But there’s always a chance… a possibility… that they might… not be… so… errrr… permanent in the Premiership. And I couldn’t face Championship football. Or worse. Sorry, or ‘lower’. I’m too much a Princess for such unsnobbish, grounded, good fun, low expectations and accepting type fan attitudes.

There’s a place for me… somewhere, a place for meeeee…

Happy Sunday

A xxxx