Its Rachie’s birthday today. So if you haven’t texted, emailed, phoned, posted a card, sent a present, delivered flowers, bought diamonds, booked a surprise weekend away on Necker Island or arranged dinner tonight (as I have, phew) better attend to it now or you’ll be on the shit-list of shit-lists. Because failure to pay attention to The Birthday is the only remaining capital offence in Britain. There is no appeal. There is no re-trial. There are NO second chances. You have been warned.

And what kind of birthday present is it for Spurs to lose last night at Liverpool? How can that happen? Why was it allowed to happen? Surely there should be laws? Rules, regulations, specifically to prevent such a travesty.

I didn’t see the game. I was playing bridge. Apparently it was a ‘great game for neutrals’ which means it was a terrible game for Spurs fans. What do we give a shit about ‘neutrals’ for?

According to esteemed sports writer Jack Barclay yesterday, no-one now gives a toss about who finishes top of the league. It will be Chelsea. If, by some amazing series of calamitous events that is not the case, then it’ll be Manchester City. But they’ve lost the ability to score goals so its not looking great for them. No, said Jack, the real battle, the real excitement, the real scramble, is for the other 2 champions league places. And there are 5 teams currently vying for those essential, lucrative and prestigious spots. And that’s where this year’s real thrills are happening.

Saturday saw Spurs beat Arsenal (in case you’d forgotten) to gain a slight advantage. But last night’s loss to the Scouse Victims (they’re always victims of something or other) negated that win as Arsenal beat poor, hapless Leicester who are already relegated in the real world not lived in by Gary Linneker and a few selected others.

But that is the secret of Arsene Wenger; an immeasurably valuable skill. That he can take a team who aren’t particularly very good, see them lose to their local enemies, yet still manages to put them in a mind-set to have self-belief 3 days later. Even though they’re rubbish, lightweight and flawed. And yes, it was ‘only Leicester’ but you still have to actually beat them. Spurs have shown that beating the ‘onlys’ in an ‘easy 3 points’ match at home can often be fraught.

Spurs twice came from behind to level the score. I was checking when I was the dummy hand. When partner was fucking up yet another slam-dunk 3-no-trump game. It was almost less stressful to see events at Anfield than to watch the card table in my kitchen.

Then Balotelli scored. The miserable, sulking, moronic Italian with so many chips on his shoulders he could sell them to McDonalds, hit the winner then sulked off, ignoring the adulation of the fans who normally give him a quite deserved hard time.

THAT WASN’T IN THE SCRIPT!!!!! Not the script I’d written anyway.

Oh well…

Happy Birthday Rachie,

A xxxx