There can surely be few pleasures in life greater than high pressure hosing your driveway. Its right up there with wetting the bed (first 2.3 minutes only), not falling off a ladder and watching Arsenal lose to… anyone. The satisfaction achieved as the stones just glisten brightly, the joy of being soaked to the point of near drowning by mucky, muddy, gritty spray, the sheer pleasure of not doing your monthly accounts which are just inside the house, I’m now deeply in love with my Karcher. Joey’s loved it since I bought it. And I bought it the day I returned my brother-in-law’s which I’d borrowed to do the job last time. I just had to have one. My own. A burning need.

Joey heard I was deploying it and came running round. I had to fight him off. ITS MY FUCKING TOY!!! GET’CHER OWNNN!!!! Lila had to have a go too. But in a more demure way. Joey hasn’t quite grasped ‘demure’ with the same enthusiasm he grasps tools which can wreak havoc. You have to laugh.

No. You actually HAVE to laugh. It’ll keep you alive. They ran tests, so we know its true. Half a dozen miserable fuckers and six giggling morons… Ok, bit more scientific than that. They actually tested people with coronary artery disease, made them laugh, twice a week (wtf?) and the others were ‘subjected’ at the same time to unfunny documentaries. And the ones watching re-runs of Frazier or Monty Python, ended up with a whopping 10% better heart than those boring bastards watching Attenboro moaning about the whales. The ‘improvements’ were measured in terms of blood oxygenation, which is what the heart does. But what if laughing actually does nothing, but watching boring tv REDUCES your heart’s capacity by 10%???!!!! Clogs it up! Makes you unconsciously ‘want to die’ from boredom and depression caused by the plight of the arctic sea lions??? Didn’t think of that, did they?

And as someone who takes absolutely everything very very seriously indeed, someone who would NEVER make light of any situation when you could be angry or miserable instead, I resent having to spend two whole… errrr… 2 whole times every week being amused to the point of laughter. Although watching Everton could do it.

Happy, jolly, hilarious, gut-busting Monday

A xxxx