As you know: I’m possibly the most perfect specimen of male-not-as-young-as-he-once-was-but-still-FUCKING-AWESOME!!! Possibly. But it involves a lot of work. Not ‘work’, haven’t done that YET. But I will. Lips pumped up like my bike tyres; waist sucked dry of anything remotely ‘lipid’, eyes lifted, boob-job, nose-job, bum-lift,EVERYTHING!!! But first comes health. And I adhere to a rigorous health and fitness regime which involves not just walking a bit but eating chocolate when I get there. Maybe a croissant. Look; I’ll decide when we get there, alright??

So all is peak… everything. Perfect. Other than the things which aren’t; and they’re medicated. Ok, I do spend quite a lot more time inside an MRI than I did when I was 31, but mainly because I don’t think they’d been invented yet. But to remain healthy you have to have check-ups. You can’t just assume that being really, really impressed by the reflection coming back from the mirror, singing ‘don’t go changin’, that all is fine.

Thus I had a Neko Scan. Oh! You haven’t heard of that? Well, you should live with my wife, then you would. You’d know about every single bit of health advice, test, check, vitamin, supplement, regime and theory anyone has ever even thought of.

Neko is a Swedish company. So you know it’s good. (???) It is a full-body scan, heart check, blood check, all sorts of stuff. It costs 300 quid and takes an hour. And is so successful that the wait list is months. So you apply and, if you’re older than 27, you forget all about it. And then, 3 months later, it comes! The invitation. “Come book your scan!!!” There are 4 centres in London and I went to Shoreditch.

And it is fucking spectacular. Very very hi-tech, very very Sci-fi, filled with babes in cos-play. Ok, nurses. They give you horrible rubber shoes to wear. Errrr… ok. Then you strip and put on one of those hospital gowns, but a nice one. Soft. Swedish. And it’s not a ‘scan’ scan, but a full skin scan. I later learned that I have 1,553 moles on my body. Four of which they want to re-examine. OMG!!! Last time someone said that they cut an inch out of my belly. But then they do your bloods, full work-out, results in 10 minutes. Ooooooh. Sophie, my nurse, strapped me to a bed with four blood pressure cuffs, one each arm, one each ankle. And I lie there helpless and vulnerable, at Sophie’s mercy!!! But before it got too Barbara Windsor she told me my BP was a bit high. Oh, that’s new. It’s never high. Possibly, good-looking nurse strapping me to a bed was some kind of ‘trigger’?

Anyway, you get dressed and go into a little lounge with the doctor who goes through everything on a display screen. Showed me the 1553 moles. I didn’t count them all. Got as far as 17 before she changed the slide. Bloods, blah, blah, everything. Very thorough. And for the blood pressure, she told me to check it twice a day and log it, then send to my GP.

Which is now my new hobby. Its great. Go on Amazon, get an ‘Omron’ and it’s just magic. Twice a day? I take it ALL day. Every 5 minutes. And it’s come down again. Assuming it was ‘up’. But they checked it 3 times with some serious (probably Swedish, but doubtless made in China) equipment.

Everyone should have the scan. Not for the health stuff, but just because it’s such a brilliant experience.

Happy healthy Thursday (131/82)

A xxxx