This has been the best Olympic Games for at least 4 years. London was special. Because it was in London, obviously. But Rio is brilliant. I can’t get enough. Other than golf, football, tennis, for reasons previously spouted, and Greco-Roman wrestling, because its silly and Taikwando, because its really dull. Other than that: wow. Brilliant. The hockey last night was spectacular. What an event. Penalty shoot-out against the twice olympic champs, the Dutch, then Britain won the gold. The Olympics is all about promoting sports that you’d never normally watch. Handball. Diving. Even bloody show-jumping. Won by a man so ancient he’s barely alive. So you’d believe hearing the plaudits for our 58-year old gold medalist.

Its been wonderful and its been a great success for team GB. Are they all on drugs? they ask. Surely they must be to have come from, like 2 gold medals just 20 years ago, to this meteoric rise in success now. But no. Its not about drugs. Its about that other evil; money. Lottery funding has increased the amount of cash in all our Olympic sports massively. And funny enough, the more you spend, the luckier you get.

So we’re having a victory parade. I love a victory parade. Because they all come down Fleet Street so they can see me in my natural environment. We’ve had Ashes winning cricketers, we had the Olympians and paralympians from the London games, we get them all.

But not this time. This time they’re parading up north. In Manchester? Other than the massive bonus this will bestow on the umbrella manufacturers of Lancashire (its ALWAYS raining in Manchester, because God hates Mancs), I can’t see what the purpose of this move will be. Why would you want it there? Do the athletes fancy a day out? Will the nation’s fans flock up north for the day? Will they fuck! Why would you send all those sudden superstars to a ‘northern powerhouse’ (read: 3rd world slum) when they could parade where parades belong; in London.

I have no grudge against Manchester specifically or ‘up north’ generally… other than that written above, nor do I have one of those terrible attitudes to the provinces that ‘some Londoners’ seem born with… but… but… its just not right.

One northerner worthy of special mention is John O’Neill. A man so fucked up, so sick and weird that a court has issued the most bizarre order ever conceived, just for him.

John is a sadomasochist. But, like, both. He likes pain, and he likes to give pain. If he just spent his spare time abusing himself with knives and soldering irons and stuff, surely that would be ‘the dream’? Actually fulfilling two dreams. Inflicting and receiving pain simultaneously. And at the same time. But John don’t do dat. No.

He goes out and starts fights (easy up north; its what they do up there) so he can ‘enjoy’ getting beaten up. Then he finds girls and, kind’a rapes them, bites them, burns them, cuts them. Otherwise he can’t ‘get off’.

So the court served him with a ’24-hour sex notice’. He must notify police 24 hours before he intends to have sex.

How’s that gonna work, exactly? And what are the police gonna do about it? Watch? Place him and his ‘sure thing’ in a padded room with no sharp implements? How? Never mind ‘why’ and ‘what the fuck use is that, then???’

Happy Olympic penultimate day

A xxxx