Not a lot of people know this but I have a degree in psychology. Doesn’t everybody? No??? Well, I do. And the reasons are historic, complex and involve impressing women and being easily led astray; the story of my life. And of course, I’ve forgotten most of the stuff, because a. that’s what you do, and b. because counting the number of times rats in cages shit every hour and dividing by the number of people called ‘Horace’ is simply not worth remembering. But a few ‘gems’ just kind’a stick there. And one was:

you don’t cry because you’re sad; you’re sad because you’re crying.

Ooooooohhhh. That’s pedantic. But its not. Its about primacy. Its about causation and reaction. And its frikkin true. We proved it. Statistically within a range of probability of greater or equal to 5% beyond any possibility of it happening by chance alone. (The sentence which pretty much sums up everything that was wrong with studying an otherwise beautiful subject; well sums it up using 4 different statistical analysis methods to ‘prove’ the validity).

Anyway, you’re sad because you’re crying. Except for Oscar Pistorius; he’s crying for his very life. And it seems to have worked. Having spent the last nine months in a constant stream of tears, those gullible South African judicial types have let him off the two major charges of murder and the lesser one, leaving only a very minor ‘manslaughter’ charge, which could see him imprisoned, but probably won’t. Because he’s a white sporting hero with several disadvantages in life. And the way South Africa has always been is that if you just kill one person, the police probably won’t bother turning up. Its only when it starts to reach ‘Zulu’ proportions that those fat Afrikaaners get off their arses and investigate.

So expressions of emotion precede the emotions themselves. We smile because we’re happy (or because Spurs have won a game) but the act of smiling makes us feel happier still. Like a feedback loop. Emotionally.

Then what happens if we prevent facial expressions from working? Like, f’rinstnace, if we were so stupid as to inject rat poison or another suitable anaesthetic into our facial muscles? Would stopping the expression of emotion reduce the emotion itself?? And the answer is apparently ‘yes’. Because those of us stupid enough to use Botox will suffer from reduced facial expressions; that’s what we’re paying for, but that in turn will leave us emotionally stunted. Thus doctors are now saying that their colleagues who perform such procedures are ‘ethically, morally and professionally wrong’. But what about the terminally vain? Or the vainally retentive, as I call them. Gwynnie, Gordon Ramsey, Simon Cowell, even the otherwise exquisite Kylie(!!!!), all devotees to Botox, all going to be prevented from enjoying the full range of emotions. Will this affect Gwynnie’s next Oscar speech? Less blubbing, less caring and (hopefully) less thanking everyone from her milkman’s aunt to her broccoli-squeezer.

More research is required.

Happy saturday,

A xxxx