Gwyneth Paltrow has decided that its wrong to eat squid because, in common with other cephalopods, ‘they are intelligent’. Therefore; we mustn’t eat them. In case they… errrr… realise what’s happening? Get scared?? Write bad things about us on Squid-Advisor?

The first thing that has to be taken into account is that the word ‘Paltrow’ translates from the Lithuanian as ‘FUCKING NUTTER; REACTIONARY DO-GOODER, TREE-HUGGING OVERLY SENSITIVE HYPER-FADDIST’. Its true.

Have you ever seen a squid reading a newspaper? Playing video games?? Yes, we all have, in Disney films. Squidley Diddley even fired a gun. Well, about six guns at any one time. But he wasn’t real, you know that, right Gwynnie? That’s what we call anthropomorphization. Bestowing human characteristics onto animals.

Something I feel the vegan world does to excess. Ahhh, pretty ickle piggy-wiggy. No mate; bacon sandwich in waiting. But LOOK at the eyes, they cry, it understands!!!! No, it doesn’t mate, it really doesn’t. Neither do squids, octopi nor cuttle-fucking-fish.

So I raised this issue with The Bubble after Tai Chi. He’s ‘almost a vegan’. Which to me is like being ‘almost a virgin’. Almost a house-plant. But his motivation was a film showing a bull, reared by a lovely Spanish man, a virtual father to this lovely beast, who then stuck him in a bullring and… well, bullring, ya know what came next. Weren’t pretty.

I’m opposed to bullfighting. Horrible activity. I wouldn’t ban it, because I don’t like banning stuff that’s culturally entrenched. Bit like banning boxing. But bullfighting is different, its simply the abuse of animals for human pleasure. Which is, to any non-Spaniard, revolting. Like dog-fighting.

That’s not why I don’t eat dogs though. I don’t eat dogs not because they’re cute, nor because they’re not kosher (they don’t have scales, just sayin’) nor anything other than they don’t sell them at the butcher. They don’t sell squids either but you can get them elsewhere.

I approach the whole debate from a more evolutionary perspective. Starting with ‘I am a carnivore’ and ending with ‘if bulls, squids or dogs had evolved opposable thumbs which could send text messages, they’d fucking eat us’. So I’m getting in first before any bizarrely un-Darwinian effects might occur

Happy omnivorous Saturday

A xxxx