Vitamin D deficiency comes about due to lack of sunlight and/or certain foods. Its particularly common in pregnant women, children under 5, people over 65 and Australian tossers who’ve spent 2 years hiding in the Ecuadorian Embassy in Knightsbridge. You can get rickets. Whatever the fuck they are. But Julian Assange can pretend he’s got just such a condition, anything to get sympathy. Also, you don’t get much fresh air inside the Embassy. Too many Ecuadorians using up what little arrives through the front door to make it upstairs to the Assange Appartment. So Julian is suffering from a cough, dodgy lungs, probably bad breath and I suspect the very comon, Irritable Aussie Syndrome. And it wouldn’t be much use stepping outside to get some air because during the summer months the whole of SW7 becomes a race-track for Qatari supercars and uninsured Saudi drag-racers.

And of course, before Assange could even take his first lungfull, he’d have a pair of handcuffs on his pale, skinny wrists by the bobbies who’ve been waiting for him for 24 hours a day, for 24 solid months, at a cost to ME, personally, of 7 million quid. The police would then drive the poor, sputtering wheezing hacking hack straight to Heathrow to be escorted to Sweden to face charges of sexual assault. Lots of charges. All bogus, according to Mr Wikileaks, and contrived merely to get him to Stockholm under false pretenses so he can from there be flown to Washington to face the death penalty for something or other that Americans kill people for. Maybe Texas. You don’t need a reason to kill people there. Nor in Ferguson Missouri, apparently.

I’m big on free speech. I make them all the time. Never take a penny. And I don’t like governments who lie to the public, forgetting the correct order of things which is that THEY work for US. But there are some things you simply have to entrust to those in power. Like spying. The whole clandestine thing. Secret Agents. Secret Squirrels. Victoria’s Secrets. Because it wouldn’t be right if the names of such people were made public. It would be dangerous. In fact, in the case of the Afghanistanis who covertly worked with the Americans during the war there, publishing their names, addresses and distances from the nearest Taleban beheading party, would pretty much be signing their death warrants. And for their families too. And that’s what Wiki leaked. Not sure if that was before he ‘allegedly’ raped a few Swedes or after, but whatever, I don’t like the man.

Come out Julian, all is forgiven. Yeah, right.

They set up a website for this most charmed and blessed generation of students, to help them when they do their almost mandatory semester/year ‘studying abroad’. So you do two years Media Studies at Barnsley Polytechnic and then bugger off to McGill, or UCLA, Princeton or the Sorbonne to learn how foreigners watch telly. Its ‘expansive’. Definitely ‘expensive’. Life affirming. Learn a new culture, a different view of the world, change perspective. Wow.

So what do these students ask of this most informative help guide for living abroad? About rents? Visas? Can they supplement their income by working in such places? Is it easy to get contraceptives in Spain? Is the quality of drugs acceptable?

No. The main questions were whether they could get iplayer to work so they wouldn’t miss the fucking Bake Off. Could you get British tv. Was there a way to see Eastenders in Korea?

I despair. I wouldn’t mind if it was Match of the Day, but Bake Off??? GO OUT AND GET DRUNK FOR FUCK SAKE.

Happy Thursday, wherever you may be

A xxxx