Ya need a plan. You always need a plan. Cut and cover. Death or glory. Laurel and Hardy. Well we have a plan when walking round foreign cities in search of certain shops or where to eat. It’s called ‘wander and stumble’. And sometimes it even works.

We booked this little trip through a Japan tour company, obviously. The Dutch one was cheaper but didn’t quite do it. So we did the British based Jap one. And in Kyoto they said: we won’t put you in ‘otel cos they’re boring. Instead we’re going to put you in an air b’n’b type place. In the Gion area. Yep, meant absolutely nothing to us either. Gion, shmion is what I probably said.

But once you arrive… you realise that Gion is in fact very special. It’s the old (hundreds of years, obviously, this is Japan) Geisha centre and place of temples, shrines and… old stuff. And its full of little alleyways and lovely wooden houses. And in the whole area, there is just nowhere you could put a hotel. So they haven’t. Ok, it does get rather full of tourists but we are living in a little wooden townhouse with all the geishas. And its brilliant. The house is hundreds of years old (apparently) but is the most hi-tech place I’ve ever been. Underfloor heating, air-conditioned throughout, has a fab little kitchen, 2 rather odd ‘Japanese rooms’, not sure what you do in them, something inscrutable, I reckon. The toilet, obviously, cleans your undercarriage in a way its never been cleaned before, heated seat mandatory, like everywhere else. But its also got a digital bath. No taps, no spout, just a ‘control panel’ at the end. Like operating your bath from your iPad fixed to the wall. In a power cut, you die.

Suffice to say: everything in the house works brilliantly and perfectly. It’s us that don’t. So everything is about referring to the very comprehensive guide-book which talks you, in English, through the hundreds of digital panels, which aren’t.

And big surprise: Geishas aren’t shy, retiring, demure little goddesses but bright, chatty, laughing, fun and funny real people. Who just dress up strangely and look really fucking odd and bizarre. This was our one. She was as delightful as she was strange. Geishas aren’t hookers. You just kind’a wish they were. They’re entertainers. Full stop. No add-ons, no ‘extras’, no ‘happy endings’ other than finishing your tea.

But ‘dress up’ is a big part of Japanese culture. Karaoke bars all have fancy dress rooms to use before ‘the fun starts’. And here’s the odd thing. Karaoke bars here are loads of private rooms. You don’t make a fool of yourself in front of 200 strangers, but just with the people you went in with. But dressed as Elvis/Marilyn Monroe/Harry Kane.

Lots of people walk around the shrines dressed in kimonos. As our guide said: none of them are Japanese. You rent kimonos (they’re outrageously expensive) for the gels and samurai silly black things for the boys and armed with the present day version of a sword (a selfie stick) you spend the entire day annoying everyone around you. It’s the best fun. We passed. Unlike all the Chinese and Koreans who just can’t get kimonoed up enough.

Football results last night simply amaaaaaaazing. Thank you, Arsenal, from the bottom of my heart.

Happy Monday

A xxxx