We’re going to war. Say goodbye to your sons, lock up your daughters, build a shelter (though possibly a financial, off-shore ‘shelter’ might be more useful than a bunker at the end of your garden), its all kickin’ off!!!

Boris Johnson has declared war against China. And remember, Britain, never never never, shall be saved. Even though there’s 60 million of us and 1.6 billion of them. All experts in martial arts, sword fighting and eating with chop-sticks.

But this won’t be your usual ‘boring old’ war, with guns, soldiers, nukes maybe, submarines and bombs. This is economic warfare. Which is much more bloody. It’s cyber warfare, which is much more… oriental. Yet its war nonetheless.

Boris ‘kowtowed’ (exquisite irony) to Donald Trump and told Huawei to fuck off, they’re not wanted in our telecoms infrastructure because it represents a massive security risk, which it unquestionably does. But Trump is embroiled with his own trade war with China because they make steel much cheaper than he can make it in Pittsburgh, which pisses him off greatly. So Boris ditched Huawei from our 5G project. Even though 5G is essential for our businesses and telecoms and without the Chinese giant company providing the infrastructure (lots of which is in place already and has been here for many many years), we’ll be making our own 5G stuff using old car radio parts, breaking up our Betamax players for components and using a lot of balsa wood, empty washing up liquid bottles and string. Should work fine. By 2073 at the latest.

China has immediately retaliated. In that fabulously opaque Chinese way which proclaims they are an ‘open’ and ‘democratic’ society, Tik-Tok, the online video site, yesterday ditched its plans to have its world centre here in London. Employing 3,000 people. Tik-Tok is obviously a free and independent company acting in no way due to any influence from its government. Who are famously ‘hands off’ in such matters. Yeah. Right. And if the Chinese pull all their students from our shores (there are millions of them, literally) half a dozen universities will immediately become financially unviable.

So Boris has, for some reason, brought in the moral issues. The apparent genocide of the Uyghur people. China hates them. Has somehow ‘reduced their numbers’ by 84% in a year and is involved in a campaign of forced sterilisation of Uyghur women. All denied by their ambassador to London on Andrew Marr today. Who hotly disputed authenticated video footage of truckloads of Uyghurs being carted off never to be seen again. ‘Lies by the west’. Obviously. Bloody westerners!

But the Uyghurs won’t make my phone download yesterdays goals any quicker. Huawei can. For that alone, Boris should reconsider. I’ve asked Alexa and she agrees. She told me the Chinese were the most honest, trustworthy, non-listening people in the world.

Who am I to argue?

Happy days

A xxxx