I might as well get in the queue now for the i-watch. Where should I stand? Which sleeping bag should I take? How many weeks do I need to take off work so I’m first in line?

I don’t need one. I don’t want one. But on the basis that I didn’t want or need an ipad and now can’t live without it and if a burglar wanted to take it I’d give him one of my children instead; ANYTHING but the ipad, then at some time I’ll ‘need’ an i-watch.

Don’t know why. It doesn’t do anything my current stuff does rather well. I can already tell the time on many devices we have, one of them which already occupies that very space on my wrist. I can already pick up texts and emails on computers, phones and ipad.

Ahhh, but this watch tells you your heart-rate and how many calories you’re burning. Oh, great, so as I watch Sunday afternoon football, slobbed out on the couch with a few beers, six packets of cheesy wotsits and a bumper pack of Waitrose jam doughnuts, I can watch the screen accelerate up the minus scale causing even greater depression than the football alone normally does. Apparently, after 800 calories taken in the watch displays: STOP FUCKING EATING YOU FAT BASTARD!!!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

I don’t need that.

The watch can tell you how far you’ve travelled (to the kitchen and back), it has a GPS tracker to tell you ‘HERE YOU ARE; JUST WHERE YOU’RE STANDING’, and it has i-pay. That canny device that allows you to pay people. From your sodding watch. Only works in America for now, the land where they still don’t even have chip’n’pin. Though they don’t need it. To counteract fraud over there they have guns. But we’ll have i-pay here soon. So every time you walk past a bus or a tube station, you’ll be throwing a few quid at all the machines without either knowing it or needing it. You’ll be paying for other people’s lunches as you stroll past Pret and buying all manner of things for the good of others just because you forgot to close the app. Its a very altruistic watch with a great range.

It also ‘taps’ you on the wrist when you get a message. So every time you’re offered a PPI claim or penis extension, you get a 450 volts through your arm. Feels a bit like a minor heart attack but you’ll get used to it. Or have a heart attack.

So bring it on. Where do I sign. Get me 2 because the claimed ’18-hour’ battery life will realistically mean ’20 minutes’ and even if its true, how can I go 6 hours every day without it?

Happy Friday. Sorry, must set the watch properly.

A xxxx