Well I’ll be blown! (Whatever that means). Ruslin Boshirov is NOT an innocent civilian Russian person of innocence and civility, who was over here for a 2-day, whirlwind tour of some of the finest parts of Salisbury Cathedral and its legendary spire. Who’d’a thought?? He said he was. On Russian tv. Mr Poot’n said he was. On every tv. And it turns out he wasn’t at all. Though definitely still a Russian. Just a different kind’a Russian. He’d said he was a ‘sports nutritionist’. So I phoned him about my diet before tennis matches. And all I got was a recorded message saying: ‘this person does not exist in the real world, you have dialled incorrectly and if you do so again your children will be dead before the night falls’. Oh. No mention of kale then. Pasta. Slow-burn carbs in general. Avoiding fats. No, just death threats. Dangerous people those sports nutritionists.

Because who we all thought was Ruslin Boshirov was actually Anatoliy Chepiga. And not only that, he wasn’t a nutritionist at all! No, he is an intelligence officer in the Russian army. I’d never have guessed that. I mean, its still just a coincidence that he happened to be here at the time of the attempted murder of the Skripals, using exclusively Russian made nerve agents against people known to be hated in the fatherland. But him and the other nutritionist only came to measure the spire. Which is actually the 973rd most popular tourist site in all of Salisbury. And environs. They’d never even heard of the Skripals, so it couldn’t have been them.

Meanwhile, Princess Meg, Dutchess Meghan, Harry’s bird, whatever, has caused a stir. According to the press that is. According to anyone else she proved once again that she is just a human being. But to sticklers about Royal protocols who obsess about ‘rules’ that go back to King Harold, she ‘caused a stir’. Because she got out of her limo at some function or other and…

If she’d fallen arse over tit to reveal any or both of those features, I could understand the attention. If she’d stopped to light a cigarette butt that she’d pulled from her pocket, or better still a joint, I could get the consternation. If she’d kicked a cat or even an old person away to get to the red carpet, that too might be grounds for concern. But they didn’t happen. What happened in actuality, that upset so many royal watchers was…

She closed her own car door after leaving it. I mean WTF? I always close my own car door and people always tell me I’m a total fucking princess. So what’s the problem??

Happy Lila-day

A xxxx