It is with great relief and joy that we can today announce that the 2022 World Cup will, after all the controversy and scandal, indeed be played in Qatar. As originally voted, selected, elected and chosen in a very honest, uncorrupt and logical way, organised as ever, in the impeccable standards we’ve come to expect from FIFA, the world’s governing body for football. Following the Garcia investigation (ish) Sepp Blatter’s reputation is once again in tact and beyond any question and in fact the former Swiss wedding singer will now take his rightful place among the world’s best ‘leaders’, along with Kim Jong Un, Hitler and Prince Albert of Monaco. Don’t go changin’, Sepp, we love you just the way you are.

And the reasons for Qatar winning the bid are as valid today as they were when they first bought the vote in 2010.

1. Qatar is a lovely country. And rather rich, so the hotels for the footballers should be nice, in the understated, Dubai-style of 9-star, solid gold and marble establishments. The fans, and other impoverished scum, could sleep on the beaches, but its probably punishable by death. As is adultery, homosexuality, various other ‘crimes’ and drinking alcohol. Gonna be a fun World Cup for the fans. Who, to fill the void left by the usual 19 hours a day of boozing, can instead follow the calls to prayer, which occupy 20 hours a day. ‘Ilicit sexual relations’ are also punishable by death. This is defined as: ‘if you sleep with his wife, that’s fine; if you sleep with my wife, that’s ‘illicit.”

2. The weather’s really lovely. Clear and bright and dry and warm. And by ‘warm’ I don’t mean ‘you may need a cardigan at night’, I mean hotter than the fires of hell. Its a fucking desert. And it acts like one. 45 degrees at least all through the summer. And no humidity. Perfect conditions for bear-headed running around 90-mintues solid. Extra time could be another death penalty.

3. Qatar is a ‘footballing nation’. Famous Qatari players include…. errr… hmmm… and… well, its definitely a footballing nation because someone there likes football. And its nothing about just the prestige and respectability that comes with hosting a World Cup. And Qatar, who will field a team as the host nation haven’t had a national team qualify for the World Cup since… well, never. They didn’t previously possess an international stadium. They would play with ‘sweaters for goalposts’ but no-one in Qatar owns a sweater.

4. As the investigation confirmed, there was no corruption involved in the bidding process. The various ‘sponsorship’ deals that coincidentally occurred around the time of the voting, in which 7 new schools were funded in poor countries and 19 new private jets were purchased in lands where they don’t even have airports, was nothing to do with the bid.

5. The Qatari government has no part in the fact that the terrorist organisations of Hamas and Isis are both massively funded by Qataris. Though the government is powerless to stop this rot. They’ll cut your bollocks off in a second for having lewd thoughts about a camel, but the tracing of vast amounts of money and arms to criminal organisations is apparently beyond their capability.

And that’s just some of the many reasons why the 2022 World Cup will be in that lovely nation. Better start bottling water now.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx