In today’s big match, the final result was: Covid 1, God didn’t.

Because its Rosh Hashannah, the holiest day of the entire… week? month? Year? Whatever, its fucking holy, is what it is. And as the Jewish year is up to 5781 (we started so long before anyone else, Christians didn’t learn how to count til Jesus taught them, and he was a bloody Jew as well), this is the first time that the New Year celebrations have been… not ‘cancelled’ exactly, but let’s say ‘seriously curtailed’. So seriously that some people, deprived of their annual trip to the synagogue, are even possibly going to be playing tennis instead!!!

And in those almost 6000 years, it hasn’t all been an ‘easy ride’. Yet the New Year was always celebrated. When Ancient Palestine was invaded by Egyptians and Mesopotamians and Babylonians and Assyrians, the Jews of old managed a quick pray before the arrows started flying. When exiled to various ghettos and hostile environments all over Europe, Rosh Hashannah carried on. In the traditional style of religious festivals: you gather, you pray, you EAT! THEN EAT MORE!!!!

But today, because of a ‘cold’, any kind of normal celebrations are illegal. Anti-covid. As opposed to anti-Semitic. Therefore you can only have, like, one person in the synagogue at any one time. And a rabbi. Separated by several metres. No hugging, no kissing, hand-shaking, elbow bumping, hip knocking, foot-touching, nothing. And no honey cake. I unselfishly gave my place to someone more needy.

Because what you do on Rosh Hashannah is add up all the sins you’ve perpetrated in the preceding year. Takes fucking hours. But fortunately, in the last 12 months I haven’t sinned at all. So I’m good, thanks very much, you can have my place. YOU NEED IT!!!!

Japan is in crisis. No-one’s having babies there. The population is ageing at an alarming rate. In 20 years half the population will be over 65. They also live longer than anyone else in the world (its almost enough to make you eat sushi every day. Almost…) so they’ll reach the point where the pension pot runs dry and there’ll be insufficient workers to fill it up again. I think we should go to Japan and make some babies for them. They’ve obviously forgotten how to do it. Or have just become so weirded out by their rather bizarre conservatism, in which its not appropriate for men and women to strike up conversation in bars and clubs, among other strange behaviours, that they’re not hooking up in any meaningful way. They’re great at raw fish and karaoke, no good at pulling. And now the whole nation’s in jeopardy. Which in itself is more than a little strange, because every culture starts with rules for births, deaths, marriages. Kind’a the ‘essentials’. How did Japan miss that? They were too busy making Sony Walkmans, that’s how.

Happy New Year, May it be sweet and healthy

A xxxx