Our nation has indeed been blessed, this week. We have had the honour to bestow an appropriately grandiose, full state visit to the president of our neighbour-nation and long-term allies, the Republic of France. We rolled out the king and queen to greet him, lined up the Cold Stream Guards for his inspection and opened up Windsor Castle. All of which was greatly, some might say ‘smugly’ appreciated by the trumped up little shit, Macron. Who strutted around as if he was an important person. With a look on his face you just wanted to punch. I was only surprised that faced with all those resplendent soldiers, he didn’t just surrender.

But now the glad-handing is over. The Royal banquets are done, we’ve put Charles and Camilla back into care, and it’s down to work. That being: the immigrant crisis.

The boat loads of refugees which invade our shores on a daily basis, 20,000 or more this year so far. And although they’re from Afghanistan, Algeria, Vietnam, Eritrea or wherever; they actually come from France. All of them. As far as I’m concerned, they’re French, the lot of them.

Yet even Macron admitted that, though he doesn’t particularly want them, none of the immigrants want to stay in France. Well, why would they? There’s too many immigrants there for the immigrants to want to mix with. So Macron identified a major problem, which is that England is ‘too appealing’ for them. There’s our benefit system which, although asylum seekers can NOT claim benefits, as we’re repeatedly told, they do get accommodation, food, phones, clothing, maids and jewellery. Oh, and health care, education, BMWs…

Another big plus for this multinational mass is that most of them speak English. Which Macron identified as a major problem in stopping immigrants. Kier Starmer will announce tomorrow that from now on everyone in England can only speak Lithuanian.

Asylum seekers are not allowed to work. But how am I gonna get my pizza delivered if they don’t, FFS??? I’d have to collect it myself and miss some of the tennis. I’d send Mel but I don’t trust her not to nibble it on the way home.

So we’ve now devised a ‘one in, one out’ system in which out of every 42,000 illegal immigrants, we can send one back to France. BUT: we then have to bring another one in who has a relative here already claiming asylum.

I’m not Enoch Powell. I’m just 3 generations from immigrants myself. I empathise. I don’t want people living in fear. Or with absolutely no future other than misery and starvation. But there are other countries. Nice ones. Europe’s full of them. And you don’t have to go very far in England, either physically or on the phone, to realise we’re pretty full up. If you want to increase our numbers you need to arrange it so that Doctors appointments can be made. Hospitals can cope. You can get your children into a nearby school. You can travel with a degree of freedom. WE NEED HOUSES. Flats. So we’re not paying stupid hotel prices for accommodating people long term.

So thanks for your time, Macron, and your advice. I’ll pop in when I next go to Paris for a weekend. One when it’s not rioting, hopefully.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx