you know that funny thing footballers do, when they aren’t very good with one of their feet (you wouldn’t expect two-footedness for just £4million a year, would you?), and they are stuck out on the wrong foot and need to pass? So instead of just kicking it left footedly, they plant their left foot and swing their right foot behind the left and kick in a way which generally results in falling over and the ball going anywhere but where it was intended, and the managers get really pissed off? Well that’s got a name. And its called a ‘rabona’. Which, as everyone knows, means: ‘stupid, vain. Portuguese, show-boating tosser’. Even if you happen to be a Belgian, like Eden Hazard, who performed just such a move on Saturday for Chelsea at Fulham. And odd that the speedy midfield dwarf is normally quite ambi-footstrous, or bi-pedal, or whatever its called. But he chose the ‘rabona’ to impress his manager. Who is generally more impressed with parked buses than flashy and unnecessary footwork.
Hazard wins the Oscar for the best showoff who managed not to fall over.

Whereas his teammate, Oscar, wins the Oscar for best Oscar on the park.

It must have been Belgium’s National Showboat Weekend. Because Jan Vertongen, superstar Spurs defender, performed the Zidane Double Drag-Back move with aplomb against Cardiff. Choosing to do it in a fairly deep, defensive position might have been deemed risky, stupid or downright fucking daft. But only if it failed. Which would have perhaps shown the virtues of defenders ‘sticking their boot through the ball’. But it didn’t fail, it succeeded in spectacular fashion and gave the long-suffering Spurs fans, bored shitless and freezing cold in a dire win at the Lane, something to be happy about. At least for a little while.

Jan wins the Oscar for best supporting leg in a fancy move.

And in the real Oscars, nothing really… well, nothing anything really. All so totally predictable and nice and clean and sanitized and inoffensive and totally Dior and dressy and nice. And nice. As always.
Best foreign film: Schalke 1, Real Madrid 6 (worth watching on youtube just to see how unhappy Ronaldo is when his teammates score)

Best bad language in a foreign land: Wayne Rooney, any Manchester United away match in Europe.

And the Best Movie Oscar went to 12 Years a Spurs Fan. Because Steve McQueen, the director, is one. A big one. Well, he’s quite a big everything. And he walked up the diamond encrusted staircase in his Tottenham 4-Ever scarf. Ok, not in any ‘real’ sense, but he would have if he could. I definitely would have. But again failed to make the invite list. Even though I spend so much going to the cinema.

Best make-up Oscar goes to Ramirez for his Zorro special mask.

Best performance in a swimming cap, as usual, Petr Cech.

Best act of mindless violence: Alan Pardew in The Hopeless Headbutt.
And that concludes this year’s Academy Awards and football results.

Happy monday

A xxxx