I’ve just come back from nursery rhyme time at our little local library. Its free, its wonderful, its packed with little kids and Lila loves it. The downside is that I have nursery rhyme ear-worms for the rest of the week. Any mention of ‘ducks swimming one day’ or ‘monkeys jumping on beds’ or ‘catching fish alive’ (very topical at the moment; well, fish, scallops, what difference?) and I go into all-out mode, complete with hand movements, jumping up and down, whatever is required. More like a ‘full body worm’.

But apparently there have been complaints about that old favourite ‘the wheels on the bus’, as being ‘offensive’. No, not by bus drivers, nor by Wheels-R-Us, but by feminists who think that mummies on the bus going ‘chatter, chatter, chatter’ is an unfair and prejudicial stereotype. This is not at my library, we all have sufficient sense of time, place and irony to just accept an industry standard. But I’d guess… Camden? Islington?? possibly Hackney??? they were offended by that patriarchal, typically male-oriented slur on an entire gender. By the wheels on the fucking bus? So I’ve re-written it. In a hopefully more politically correct manner. So it can’t cause offence to anyone.

The single-parent mothers on the bus say nothing that could possibly offend anyone, nothing that could possibly… etc…

The gay and lesbian parents on the bus say nothing that could possibly offend anyone, nothing that could possibly… etc…

The non-gender-specific carers on the bus say nothing that could possibly offend anyone, nothing that could possibly… etc…

The ethnic-minority-transexual adoptive-parents on the bus say nothing that could possibly offend anyone, nothing that could possibly… etc…

The Brexiteers on the bus say ‘no deal’s fine, no deal’s fine…’

The Remainers on the bus say ‘just one more vote, one more vote, one more vote…’

The non-anti-semitic-but-totally-anti-Zionist Corbynites on the bus say ‘we don’t hate Jews but just everything about them, we don’t hate Jews but…’

The Gooners on the bus say ‘not again, not again, not again…’

Please feel free to add more categories, we wouldn’t want to appear prejudicial by omission. So if I’ve forgotten anyone, please append.

Happy totally inclusive Thursday

A xxxx