Before I move onto to the important matters occurring at White Hart Lane yesterday evening, I wish to take a moment to explain to you the latest rules regarding the new, non-lockdown-but-not-far-from-it, status in some-but-not-all areas, with possible amendments to the rules of adjacent towns and cities. Not forgetting the countryside and the inhabitants thereof. Who may, at times, travel outside their current excluded-from-any-type-of-lockdown zone, into an area of more stringent controls. And these rules and, in fact, in some cases, now proper laws, are so simple that no member of parliament, the Prime Minister included, seems capable of explaining them to the nation. Not without copious notes and cross-referencing and consulting three legal experts and a professor of immunology.

The rule of 6 is sacred. Unless you are in a new lockdown area or worship the devil. If you are in a lockdown area up to six people can sit, distanced, at a pub, as long as you are OUTSIDE, but not inside, where you can’t mix with anyone. However, should those same 6 people, being ever respectful of the full 2 metre personal exclusion rule, move from the outside of a pub into a park, or garden, they will be BREAKING THE LAW!!!! Because the air outside pubs is known to be medically beneficial and has healing properties. Whereas fresh air in a park is a health risk to everybody AND YOU WILL DIE!!! You must all stop drinking at 10. Or hop on a ferry to Belfast, where its 10.30, but actually 11 before they close the doors. And under no circumstances can you see your grandchildren. Unless your name begins with ‘A’.

Bald-headed social misfit Tory advisors are obviously exempt from the above.

The Caribou Cup came to the Lane last night. Well, not the Cup itself, just a match within it. Spurs played Chelsea. It was awful. Dire. Chelsea had 80% possession in the first half but still didn’t look like scoring. Until they scored. That’s football. Spurs didn’t look like anything really. And it was hard and horrible and lacklustre and dull.

Until the 76th minute when Eric Dyer went to the toilet. No, he actually did. Middle of the game, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go. And go he, errr, went. Yet this most natural of events in the life of any human is so rare during a football match his manager followed him. But that event changed the game.

Just 7 minutes later, the Spurs team, collectively revitalised by Eric’s act, scored the equalising goal, sending the match into a penalty shoot-out. Which Spurs won and the crowd (noises) went crazy. In fact ‘the crowd’ was Gareth Bale. Supporters at football matches are now so rare we had to pay 13 million quid to get one. Eric Dyer was named ‘man of the match’ and deservedly so. Because him going to the toilet was by far the most interesting thing that happened before the penalties.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx