Aggghhhhh, Greggy, Greggy, Greggy. What we gonna do wiv you? You’se got’cha’self in a whole heap a trouble now, we gotta get’cher out of it. That’s what I says to him on Sunday. So Gregg says: ok, maybe if I just issue, like, a standard, blanket apology, ya know, ‘sorry if I offended, blah, blah, took it da wrong way, blah, blah, never meant upset or any insult or nuffink, just a bit’a banter gone wrong’, kind’a fing. ‘I appreciate I may have hurt feelings’, ya know, just a load of lies and bollocks which sounds like I’m sorry. That do?

So I tells ‘im: No, mate, don’t fink that’s right. Makes ya look guilty. Makes ya look soft. Ya need to double down on dis. Ya need to take control. Ya ain’t done nuffink wrong. If God didn’t wan’us to ogle and leer, he wouldn’t’a given women tits, would he? So its positively anti-Christian, almost blasphemous NOT to stare at a woman’s chest while your talking to her. And as for a few comments about cucumbers, and nine-inch objects in general, yer a fuckin’ greengrocer, for fuck sake, iss allowed!!! Ok, quizzing a lesbo about which part of the carpet to munch was a bit fierce, but it shows an interest, a natural curiosity, getting in touch wiv yer feminine side. And you love to touch feminine sides, don’t’cha Greggy. So you need to attack. Best form’a defence, innit? Ask Pep Guardiola. An’ the best people to attack are middle-class women. Old ones. Everyone hates them. They’re like the ISIS of the demographic world. Let’s call ‘em: ‘middle-class women of a certain age’. So it gives yer a bit’a leeway. Conjures up images of Maggie Thatcher and, for some reason, Kirstie Allsop, and it’s the sort of group no-one wants to be included in so there won’t be any fallout over it. TRUST ME ON THIS GREGGY, TRUST ME.’

Glad to be of assistance to me mate there.

The Government have now intervened and said the BBC are wrong to show the rest of the current ‘Masterchef’ series and the pre-recorded ‘Christmas Special’ because they feature my mate Gregg. Even though no-one really watches the show. And its good that our government, whilst being so totally useless on things which really matter, are so quick to react in this quite bizarrely ‘Daily Mail’, reactionary way and presume the man’s guilt before we even know precisely what he’s accused of. Whereas politicians who err, (and there are fucking countless), the ones flashing their dicks around in Tescos, surfing porn in the House of Commons, raping secretaries, are all ‘given our full backing whilst investigations are taking place’.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx