‘The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls…’

Thus spake Paul Simon, in about 1964. Monumentally brilliant line. One of about 42,000 little snippets of genius and inspiration that the great man has written over his stellar career. Only perhaps eclipsed by the late, great Ian Dury’s sublime social commentary of: ‘my love affair with Nina/in the back of my Cortina/a seasoned-up hyena/could not’a been more obscener’. But maybe that’s just because I’ve always been a touch more Essex than Lower Manhattan.

But its new years’ day. The day made more fuss about, more pledges to, more hype from, than any other in the contemporary calendar. Its become the ‘defining statement’ day of the year. Understandable in some ways. Especially if you’re in firework sales or gym memberships. Not so good for pizza sales, but only for a week or so. And just as Valentines Day is ‘the day’ we’re told to love someone we’re supposed to be loving all year, so New Years is about making commitments, making resolutions, planning a ‘new me’ for the forthcoming year. A better me, a healthier me, a more caring, considerate, successful, handsome, adorable, creative, wonderful me. A Wonder Me. New, improved and fucking awesome!

What bollocks.

Here’s my resolutions:

1. Watch more tv. I simply don’t watch enough and there’s lots of it on. I’d never noticed before today. And I started with the 2012 Paul Simon concert in Hyde Park. Hence the above. And a better concert there probably has never been. (I’m into big statements for 2018; no more fence-sitting, no equivocation, just hyperbole and superlatives).

2. Watch more football on tv. Unfortunately I started with the Everton vs Man United game and its enough to make me return to my 2017 values.

3. Cancel gym membership. Ok, I don’t belong, but I’ll cancel a few anyway, just in case I forgot to cancel them after the last few new years.

4. Eat more food.

5. Use more petrol. And if not by driving then just burning a few tyres in the garden.

6. Don’t grow a man-bun. Or do anything else that might make me look like a TOTAL TOSSSSERRRR!!!!

7. Make no judgments based on man-buns.

8. Make no judgments based on supporting shitty teams.

That’ll do.

Whatever you resolve; have a fab year.

Happy New Year

A xxxx