There are loads of countries where you can drink wine. You’re allowed. There are some countries where its actually compulsory. France, Italy, Spain, Australia. I’d write a list of countries where you may imbibe to your heart’s content; and its good for your heart to do so. Oh, only ‘in moderation’. Where the fucking fun in that? But that list would be long. Very long. So its easier just to say; any country that ends in -an is probably not a good one for wineistic behaviour. Azerbaijan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Jordan, Iran and Yemen. Ok, they don’t all end in -an then. Neither does Saudi Arabia. But you wouldn’t want to drink anything there other than water.

And the new poster boy for the Saudi Arabian wine society is Karl Andree. 74 years old, he’s lived in Saudi for 25 years. So you’d think he kind’a knows the rules by now. But alas, the ‘religious police’ (like the KGB but with headdresses; the Saharan Stasi) caught Karl with home-made wine and sentenced him to 12 months in prison. Bit harsh, by our standards, but these aren’t our standards, we don’t get to vote out there. In fact no-one gets to vote out there, democracy is as welcome as wine. They have a King. He makes the rules. If you disobey he cuts your bollocks off with a scimitar. You probably won’t offend again.

So Karl gets 12 months. But, with good behaviour (he’s 74; how bad would it be??) they’ve magnanimously extended it to 15 months, without telling him, or anyone else, why. They don’t have to.

But the concern is that normally, 12 months is considered insufficient punishment for a crime so heinous and evil as drinking wine, so they flog you 360 times as well. Just as, you know, a bonus. And 3-time cancer victim, asthmatic, 74-year-old Karl is probably not the best person in the world to start beating with a long cane. So he may even get a reprieve on that one from the King himself. To show the kindness and benevolence and compassion of the Saudi legal system. After David Cameron phoned and made a plea. “Of course we won’t flog him”, King said, “what do you take us for? Sadistic, lawless savages??”

Yes, actually we do. That’s very precise and accurate, your Majesty. But, having agreed that, we’ll still sell you planes, guns, tanks and anything else you need, along with consultations about running your police (the real ones, not the secret or religious ones), your army, security, everything. Because, Oh Mighty One, you is seriously fucking rich and we’ll do positively anything for your regime, even though it stands for everything we find totally abhorrent, evil, racist, sexist, homophobic, chauvinistic and barbaric. Your majesty.

There are moral dilemmas involved in government. Saudi Arabia, China, Russia. How do you deal with these people? When you need their buying power but disagree with virtually everything they do?

Glad I’m not David Cameron or I’d look a bit of a tosser too.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx